What If
by JTheGoblinKing
Summary: What if...


Disclaimer: The following is an old Labyrinth fan fiction I wrote for a Labyrinth fan fiction group years. Labyrinth belongs to Henson. Most, if not all, of the Labyrinth fan fiction I am going to post here is at least ten years old, if not older. You will see the original dates they were written placed into these documents. These fan fictions predate the canon of Return to Labyrinth.

From:

I originally wrote these for The Labyrinth E-mailing list.

These are supposed to be comedic, and to be taken very lightly.

I hope you like these.

-----------------

In a message dated 9/28/00 7:30:14 PM Pacific Daylight Time,

writes:

So, back to my question, what if Sarah hadn't gone back in? What if she DID

go play with her dolls and her costumes? Would Jareth have still come

through the window? Would he have casually walked down the hall to her

room, knock on the door, and inform her that her brother was indeed gone?

What if Scene 1:

Jareth: (Makes his grand entrance in the nursery but Sarah's not there. He sighs.)

Perfect! Just perfect! All of that glitter for nothing! (He Walks down hall and knocks on

Sarah's door)

Sarah: (Turns down the volume to her copy of "Let's dance" playing on her stereo

system and places down her lipstick. She calls out) Who is it?

Jareth: Yeah, I just thought I should inform you. I'm here. I took the baby. Have a good

night, Sarah.

Sarah: (Distractedly) Uh, hu. That's nice. (Again raises the volume to the stereo)

Jareth: (Walks down the hall muttering under his breath) Bloody American

teenagers. I think I'd get more respect if I had a rock video air on MTV. I take the baby

and she barely notices. What the Hell do I look like- a service provided by a hotline

advertised on television? ...I seriously need to find a better form of employment...

(Sarah's stereo mysteriously explodes in to flames.)

---------------------------

This next one was a "what if" of what if Jareth were to sue Sarah. The discussion that

had lead to this strange story had come from Someone bringing forth the odd suggestion

that Jareth should sue Sarah for sexual harassment.

-----------------------

In a message dated 9/29/00 7:27:12 PM Pacific Daylight Time,

writes:

Sues her for sexual harassment? That would have made the movie

interesting... a lawyer movie with magic and goblins in it. :P :)

What if: Scene 2:

Jareth: (Stands) Your honour I'd like to call to the stand Snot, Rot and Jim.

Judge: (Blinks his eyes as three hideous goblins take the stand.) Snot, Rot... and

...Jim?

Jareth: It was short for James.

Judge: Oh, I see.

Sarah: (places her head down on the desk) I don't think it's fair that he's using the

alien's lawyer from The man who fell to Earth!

Oliver Farnsworth: Can we hurry this up, my other client wants to get back to his

home plan... I mean... I have another case in an hour.

Judge: (Has fallen asleep.)

Sarah's lawyer: (stands) Your honour, I move for a case dismissal!

Judge: (wakes up abruptly) Huh? What for?

Sarah's lawyer: Well, for one thing, the plaintiff's "witnesses" have eaten my paper

work (She holds up a gnawed on folder with teeth marks, tares, drool, and claw marks all

over it.)

-------------------------

In a message dated 9/30/00 2:36:47 AM Pacific Daylight Time,

writes:

Do some more scenes for this one, and maybe we can finally break John

Grisham's monopoly of airport bookshops around the world

As you wish...

----------------------------

What if scene 3: The show must go on:

Jareth's lawyer

(Oliver Farnsworth "borrowed"

From The man who fell to Earth): Your honour when my client had been asked that that

he should TAKE the stand perhaps the request should have been rephrased.

Judge: Well, for just how long do I have to prolong this recess?

Oliver Farnsworth: (reading over a memo notice left by Jareth.) Until you unriddle The

Labyrinth and return with the stand.

Judge: (Slams down the gabble) This court is adjourned for thirteen hours. (Sighs and

walks out the door, following a goblin.)

(Thirteen hours later the judge returns to the stand.)

Sarah: (Stands up) This jury is bias! They're ALL goblins!

Judge: No, they are not! They're American citizens!

Sarah: (Blinks her eyes) Oh.

Jareth: (Returning to his seat. Mutters.) I hadn't noticed the difference.

Judge: (looks exhausted) Okay, this trial is back in session!

Bailiff: (Spits out, what look looks like a cup of water he'd been drinking right on to

the floor.

Sarah's Lawyer: (Runs in) Oh, my God! There's a troll urinating in the water

cooler!

Jareth: (Makes a careless gesture) Oh, that's just Higgle.

Sarah: (Correcting him) Hogwart.

Hoggle: (Comes staggering in to the court room, adjusting himself.) It's Hoggle!

Judge: (Towards Jareth) Mr. Uh. King, do you think it's all right now if we start

closing arguments.

Jareth: Yes. (Stands up and faces the jury) Ladies and gentlemen of the jury- just

fear me. Love me. Do as I say and I will be your slave.

Oliver Farnsworth: (Slaps his own face) I could have stayed with the alien.

Sarah: (Stands up) He's out of line! I object! He's bribing the jury!

Judge: (gazing in to the crystal orb that Jareth gave him) Shut up you little twit!

----------------------

One more because I'm completely deranged:

Judge: (Resting his head on his hand.) Can we please end this?

Sarah: (Whispers to her lawyer) I have a feeling we're not going to win.

Juror 1: Kill her!

Juror 2: Hang her!

Juror 3: Drop her in The Bog of Eternal Stench!

Sarah's Lawyer: (leans over to Sarah) How can you tell?

Jareth: (to his lawyer) Just what did you offer the listians in exchange for acting as the

jury?

Oliver Farnsworth: Well, I sort of promised them.... (Leans over and whispers it in

Jareth's ear.)

Jareth: I have to WHAT!?! (Glares at him.) No wonder you were chucked out a

window.

(That night):

Jareth: (Screams in torture) Make it stop! Oh, for the love of God! Someone make

it stop! OH, THE HUMANITY!

Random Listian: (Giggles as she places yet another video tape in to the VCR). Oh,

calm down, Jareth. Only seven more David Bowie movies to go.

Jareth: (Shudders as The Linguini Incident starts)

The end.

(PS. Dream up anymore what if scenes for Labyrinth and I'll write it out for you.)

-------------------

In a message dated 9/30/00 5:53:40 PM Pacific Daylight Time,

writes:

LOL!!! Love it. :::Laughs so hard she falls out of her chair:::

I have another what if scenario... What if Sarah had taken Jareth up on

his offer? What do you think would've happened?

Let's have a see

Afterward:

Jareth: Wait! Stop! Look, Sarah! Look what I am offering you. (Holds out a

crystal orb that has just appeared.) I ask for so little, just let me rule you and you can have

anything that you want. Just fear me. Love me. Do as I say and I will be your slave.

Sarah: (Thinks a moment) Okay.

Jareth: (Stands a moment, stunned. He blinks his eyes.) Okay?

Sarah: (Nods.)

------------------------------- The wedding--------------------------------------

A faery guest: Your highness, I know you're nervous but you truly should stop

playing with your balls like that!

Jareth: (Glares at the faery and then causes a giant fly swatter to appear.)

------------------------( Pre-wedding) ---------------------------------------------------------------

-----

Sarah: (Placing on her make-up. There is a sudden knock on the door.) Who is it?

Jareth: (Opens the door a crack) I know it's bad luck to see one's bride before the

wedding, but love, I was wondering....

Sarah: (Curiously) Yes, Jareth?

Jareth: Love, may I borrow some of your mascara? I'm all out.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

------

Sarah: Wait! We can't begin yet! (Stands in a bridal gown with the bouquet in

hand, at the alter in the castle's chapel.) My family should be here any minute.

Jareth: You invited your family? And just how the Hell do you think they are going

to get here?!?

Sarah: Yes. I gave them instructions.

Jareth: Instructions?

Sarah: Yes, I drew up maps of The Labyrinth and handed them each a copy.

Jareth: You did WHAT?!?

-------------------------------------- (In The Labyrinth------------

Sarah's stepmother: (Reading the fold out map) Let's see, left down the secret passage

after going right down the seemingly endless corridor for four and a half hours. Choose

the blue door and down the shaft of hands. In the Oubliette you pick up the bench and

use it as a door. Be certain that the knob is on the...

Sarah's father: (Carrying Toby) Maybe we should stop and ask for directions.

Sarah's stepmother: (walks a head with the map open, her nose buried in it.) Don't be

ridiculous, darling. I know exactly where I am going. It's a piece of cake! (Falls down a

shaft that suddenly opens under her.) AGHHHH!

Sarah's father: (Had been distracted examining an eye-lychin patch. Looks out when he

hears his wife's scream) Darling? Sweet heart! Oh, come on love, we're going to be

late! Darling!

---------------------------------------- (Back in the castle)-----------

Goblin Justice of the peace: (Trying to seem as if he is reading the book, the

book upside down in his hands.) Gearly deglov'ed. We er gathered 'ere to-hay to 'oin

these gew in holy macaroni. If there is anyone 'ere who thinks 'ese two should not be

bled let 'em squeak now or foeva hold their geese.

One of Sarah's guests: I object!

Jareth: (Glares over at the girl) On what grounds?

The guest: On the grounds that you very nearly goblinized your would be brother-

in-law and your repeatedly tried to KILL your would-be bride!

Jareth: But I didn't kill her!

The guest: But you tried to!

Jareth: But I hadn't!

The guest: But you- (before she could finish she and her chair are gone and

towards The Bog of Eternal Stench a loud scream and then a splashing is heard.)

Jareth: (Clears his throat.) Shall we continue?

Random Goblin: (Rushes in to the chapel and slams the doors behind him. He is

gasping for breath.)

Jareth: Now what?

The Goblin: Sire, there's a mob....

Jareth: A mob?

The Goblin: (Still gasping for breath) Teenaged girls... with flaming torches and

pitchforks... Listians... They wish to kill your bride!

---------------------------- (Sarah reading her congratulations cards)-------------------

Sarah: (reads one) "Congratulations your majesty." Awe, how nice.

Jareth: (Reads one) "Best wishes to the royal couple. Sincerely, William The Worm.

Sarah: (Reading another.) "Drop dead you evil slut." (Looks dejectedly at Jareth.)

Jareth: (Shrugs) Must be from a listian.

--------------------------------------------(The wedding reception)----------------------------------

--------

(David Bowie stands on a stage in the ball room as goblins reek havoc breaking

things and the ball room dances completely ignore them. He sings Never let me down.)

Sarah: (As she dances with Jareth) How on Earth did you get David Bowie to

perform at our reception?

Jareth: (Simply smiles.)

Sarah: (As she gets close to the stage David desperately leans forward and whispers

to her.)

David Bowie: Get me out of here! I'll make it worth your while! I'm rich.

Sarah: (Just now notices that David is shackled to the stage.)

------------------

In a message dated 10/1/00 2:53:38 AM Pacific Daylight Time,

writes:

What if, Sarah had, in a generous spirit, shared the peach with Didymus

and

Ludo?

----------------------------

Ballroom scene: What if:

Friends don't let friends eat enchanted peaches alone:

(Sarah has shared her peach with her friends.)

Ludo: (Looks down to find that he is dressed in a ball gown, exactly like Sarah's only

larger, but still a little too small on him. He gives a loud cry and tares it off.)

Sir Dydimous: (Likes his own small ball gown which fits him perfectly.)

Sarah: (In Jareth's arms in the ballroom. She seems quite dazed.)

Jareth: (Singing as they dance.)

There's such a sad love deep in your eyes,

A kind of pale jewel,

Opened and closed within your eyes,

I'll place the sky within your eyes,

There's such a fooled heart

Beating so fast in search of new dreams,

A love that will last within your heart,

I'll place the moon within your. (He is suddenly distracted by a loud crashing.)

Ludo: (Has just accidentally knocked over a table with his large behind) Oopsie,

sowwy.

Sir Dydimous: There must be a way out of this wretched sphere. (Starts pounding

frantically against the glass.)

Jareth: (Rolls his eyes.) Oh, this just isn't going to work. (He pulls away from Sarah.)

I'll be back in a moment, love.

Sarah: (Reaches out for him.) Wait. (still dazed) Where are you going?

Jareth: To find entertainment for your "friends". There is only one of me, love. But

thankfully there are over twenty-five David Bowies to select from. (He returns several

moments later with two men at his side. One is Thomas Jerome Newton of The man who

fell to Earth. The other is Monte of The Linguini Incident.)

Sarah: (Blinks her eyes.) Who are they?

Jareth: (Gestures to the first one.) This fellow here is Thomas Jerome Newton. He's a

nearly blind, over sensitive, alcoholic alien from another planet.

Thomas Jerome Newton: (Looks coldly towards Jareth.)

Jareth: What? You know it's the truth! (looks again toward Sarah.) And this one here is

Monte. The film he came from was too cheap to give him a last name. He's a

pathological liar and a compulsive gambler.

Sarah: (still looks out of it, only now seems a bit more confused.)

Jareth: (Shoves the two men towards Ludo and Sir Dydimous.) Now, you two know

what I want you to do.

Monte: I am NOT dancing with a giant beast!

Jareth: Fine, then switch. You get the little goblin-fox thing, and he gets the beast.

Monte: I am NOT going to dance with a dog either!

Jareth: (Sighs.) He is not a dog.

Monte: What the Hell is he then?

Jareth: How the Hell should I know? A goblin of some sort, a.(Thinks fast) fox-goblin.

There. See, not a dog.

Monte: I think I'd rather let Cecil and Donte have their way with me!

Jareth: (In a threatening tone.) That can be arranged.

Monte: (gulps and steps towards Sir Dydimous.)

Jareth. (Looks to Thomas Jerome Newton who seems quite frightened.) Now, you go on.

Thomas Jerome Newton: But Jareth I.-

Jareth: (Before Thomas Jerome Newton can finish Jareth has shoved him towards Ludo.

Again he takes Sarah in his arms) Now? Where were we? Oh. that's right. (Starts to

sing again as they dance.)

As the pain sweeps through,

It makes no sense for you,

Every thrill has gone,

It wasn't too much fun at all,

But I'll be there for you-oo-oo.

As the world falls down,

It's falling,

(As the world)

It's falling down,

Falling in love,

I'll paint you mornings of gold,

I'll spin you Valentine evenings,

Though we're strangers 'til now

We're choosing the path between the stars,

I'll leave my love between the stars.

(Meanwhile on the other side of the ball room.)

Thomas Jerome Newton: (Accidentally steps on Ludo's foot.)

Ludo: (Gives off a loud howling.)

Jareth: (Turning with Sarah. He looks over his shoulder.) Oh, knock it off. It couldn't

have hurt. The bugger weighs less then him! (Gestures toward Sir Dydimous who is

dancing merrily with Monte.)

Sir Dydimous: (to Monte as he stares up at him affectionately.) Thou dances divinely,

good sir, Monte.

Monte: (Indifferently.) Yeah, sure. Whatever.

Sir Dydimous: (Falls to one knee before Monte) Would thee do me the honour, oh,

beautiful Monte of being thine.

Monte: (Chuckles) Are you asking me to marry you?

Sir Dydimous: (Nods.)

Monte: Well, you're a lovely. umm.. Er.. Whatever. but the fact is I made a deal

with Cecil and Donte. I have to marry one of the waitresses at the club.(Suddenly has a

brilliant idea.) Wait a moment!

(Back to Ludo and the alien.)

Thomas Jerome Newton: (By now has begun to feel dizzy. He faints in to Ludo's arms

with a faint moan.)

Ludo: (Holding Thomas Jerome Newton, almost like a baby in his arms. He walks

towards Jareth.) Friend go night-night.

Jareth: (Yet again stops dancing and looks over to Ludo.)

Thomas Jerome Newton: (Slowly appears to be coming around.)

Jareth: Put him down before he- (too late.)

Thomas Jerome Newton: (In a convulsive spasm vomits a translucent fluid on to Ludo,

some of it splattering on to Jareth.)

Jareth: (Makes a disgusted face and wipes at his shirt.) Ugh!

Thomas Jerome Newton: (Still in Ludo's arms. He tips his head back and moans.)

(Back with Monte and his. bride.)

Sir Dydimous: We have to find a way out of here, my love!

Monte: Allow me. (Grabs up a chair and smashes the side of the ballroom wall.)

Jareth: (Cries out) NO!

-------------

(Landing)

Sarah: (Lands in a pile of rubbish, dazed, confused and alone. She stands up. Calls out.)

Ludo! Sir Dydimous! Where are you guys?

(In the wrong films..)

(in The Linguini Incident..)

Monte: (Standing behind the bar) Pick up for table three!

Sir Dydimous: (from the other side of the room.) Coming! (Riding his "loyal stead")

CHARGE! (He rushes towards the bar. In his hand he carries a tray of empty plates and

half-filled glasses. He rams straight in to the bar. Everything on the try shattering and

splattering to the floor.)

Monte: (Rolls his eyes.)

Sir Dydimous: (Shakes himself off. You notice that he is wearing a wedding band.)

(In The man who fell to Earth.)

Mary-Lou: (Piss drunk, as usual. To Thomas Jerome Newton) I can't let you go, not

now! (She reaches to grab at Thomas roughly but Ludo grabs her hand first.)

Ludo: (Chucks Mary-Lou across the room.)

Mary-Lou: (Screams.)

Ludo: Tommy.. Friiiend.

Thomas Jerome Newton: (Smiles.) That's right, Ludo. (Folds his arms. To himself.) I

knew I needed a bodyguard.

--------------

J...you're really good at those. I love it. Jareth seems to be pretty

darn intimidating to the other Bowie characters. Here's another one...

What if Sarah had fallen into the bog instead of grabbing that branch? I

look forward to reading more of those.

Thank you. Well, here you are then.

-----------------------------

What if: The stench of defeat:

Jareth: (Holding out the crystal) Sarah, just fear me (cough) love me (Covers his

face with his hand) do as I... Uggh. God... (Looks as if he might be ill) Look, never

mind! Just take the baby and go home! Go home, get the Hell out of here, now!

---------------------------------------------------------

After Sarah got home:

Sarah's Stepmother: (Holds up Sarah's shoes. Her nose crinkles in disgust.) Sarah,

what did you step in?

Sarah: (Sitting by a fan, spraying a great deal of perfume on herself.) Nothing!

----------------------------------------------------

Ball room:

Jareth: (Steps towards Sarah.)

Ball room dancer 1: (Faints.)

Ball room dancer 2: (Groans and covers face.)

(Other ball room dancers scatter and cover their noses and mouths with their hands

and handkerchiefs. Flowers wilt. The room shatters of it's own volition.)

------------------------------

Escher room:

Toby: (Crawls on the stairs.)

Jareth: I... I can't live within .. (Loses concentration.) Ugh... I think Toby just soiled

himself again.

Sarah: (Meekly.) No, that's just me.

--------------

In a message dated 10/1/00 7:16:54 PM Pacific Daylight Time,

writes:

What if Sarah had trun left when she had met the worm, and had gone straight

to the castle?

Ah, this could be fun:

Jareth: (In the middle of Dance Magic. Holding Toby.) In nine hours and twenty

three minutes you'll-

Sarah: (Runs in to the room.) Hold it right there!

Jareth: How in the Hell?!? (Accidentally drops Toby, that he's so startled. He looks

down and sees that Toby landed on his bum.)

Sarah: (Runs over and grabs up Toby in to her arms.) You monster! What have you

done to him?

Jareth: (Counts on his fingers) Well, let's see... I fed him, I changed his diaper. I

rocked him. I sang to him. I played with him. I spoke gently to him.

Sarah: But you stole him!

Jareth: You were cruel and negligent to the boy! I pampered him!

Sarah: I'm his sister. He loves me. You're a monster that frightens him.

Toby: (Tries to pull from Sarah. Reaching for Jareth.) Dada!

----------------------

In a message dated 10/1/00 7:38:37 PM Pacific Daylight Time,

writes:

LOL! Keep up the good work! Here's another one... What if Jareth

suddenly found himself trapped in a room full of listians?

hmmm...

--------------------------------

What if: Jareth's damnation:

Listian 1: Look! THERE HE IS!

Jareth: Oh, God no!

Listian 2: IS IT A SOCK? IS- IT- A- SOCK!?! For the love of God somebody find out

if it's a sock!

(Hords of listains rush towards Jareth.)

Jareth: (Claws at the room's doors like a helpless animal.)

Listian 3: Let me grope... I mean, let me ask him a few things.

Listian 4: Is it a sock?

Listian 5: Will you dance with me?

Listian 6 and 7: (Reaching for him, tearing at his hair and shirt.)

Listain 8: I was promised that David Bowie would be here! (Looks actually

disappointed.)

Biting faery AKA Satan: (Laughs maliciously.)

Listian 10: Jareth can I play with your balls?

(Other listians stare at this one.)

Listian 10: I mean your crystal balls! (Clears throat) Yeah, well... those ones too.

------------

In a message dated 10/1/00 8:08:08 PM Pacific Daylight Time,

writes:

What if Jareth were abducted by aliens?

Okay, here you are....

------------------------------------

What if: Jareth, abducted by aliens:

Jareth: (Opens his eyes to find himself strapped to a table. He struggles

against the restraints futilely. Angrily.) Where am I? (He turns his head to find that

Ziggy Stardust and Thomas Jerome Newton are standing there.)

Ziggy Stardust: No worries, ducky. We ain't gonna hurt ya.

Thomas Jerome Newton: (To Ziggy Stardust. Simply.) How come you get to go to

back to Earth in two years? That's not fair. When can I ever do anything?

Ziggy Stardust: (To Thomas Jerome Newton.) When you're done with yer rehab

program, ya bloody wino.

Thomas Jerome Newton: You're one to talk. I honestly don't believe that was talcum

powder on the surface of your dresser, mate.

Ziggy Stardust: Anyway, we's just got cable and screen-within-screen options on

our television package. I didn't think you'd wanna go out.

Thomas Jerome Newton: We do? (Suddenly delighted.)

Ziggy Stardust: Acourse we do. Now come on, whose turn was it to do the anal

probe?

Thomas Jerome Newton: (Already seated in front of one of the space ship's many

television sets.) .I think it was Mickey's turn.

Ziggy Stardust: Mickey always gets ta do the anal probe, it ain't fair!

Jareth: (Growing increasingly disturbed.) Why don't you just abduct David Bowie.

I think he'd actually enjoy it.

Ziggy Stardust: (Laughs.)

Thomas Jerome Newton: (Chuckles slightly. Still entranced by the television sets.)

Ziggy Stardust: (To Thomas Jerome Newton.) Should I tell him or you?

Thomas Jerome Newton: David Bowie is our leader. He was sent to conquer Earth.

Ziggy Stardust: Too right! And doing a damned good job a it too, from da looks a

thins.

Jareth. (Groans) It figures.

(A creature that looks a great deal like Mick Jagger enters the room.)

Ziggy Stardust: (Leaps up with a gleeful cheer.) MICKEY! (Literally leaps in to

Mickey's arms and kisses him deeply.) Lord, I missed ya, man. Where ya been?

Mickey: I was only washin' my hands, Ziggs. No worries. (Steps over towards

Jareth after gently placing Ziggy to the ground.)

Ziggy Stardust: (stares with deep infatuation at Mick Jagger.)

Mickey: Now, is this the chap we're gonna probe or what now?

Ziggy Stardust: uh, huh. We decided it was for the best and only right if we waited

for ya. Anyway, Tommy's zonin' out to a Doctor Who marathon.

Thomas Jerome Newton: (Glances over from his seat in front of the television.) I am

not. (Mutters) It's star trek.

Mickey: Okay, right then. I'll prepare him. (To Jareth's horror Mick Jagger leans

over and kisses him deeply and passionately. He completely loses consciousness when

he feels Mick Jagger's Tongue. In a matter of seconds, Mickey's unnaturally large lips

have entirely covered Jareth's face. Nearly ten minutes later he retracts.)

Ziggy Stardust: (Checks his glow in the dark watch with the glittery wrist band..) 'Ay,

'ow come you never kiss me like that. (Pouts.)

Thomas Jerome Newton: (As soon as the program goes to a commercial break he

gets up and walks from the room. Presumably to fetch himself some more gin.)

Jareth: (Lays there, half catatonic, lightly twitching.)

Mickey: (Wipes his mouth.) Should we probe him now?

Ziggy Stardust: Cor, Mickey, take a gander at those trousers. We's gonna need

surgical scissors or a crowbar, or lots a butta ta peel 'em off. Why don' we just sent 'im

back and take Elvis again.

Mickey: Oh, all right. (Re-zips up his fly.) And I was so looking forward to this one

too.

Ziggy Stardust: Awe, don't fret none. Ya can probe me after we's land.

Mickey: (Looks around.) Say, who's been drivin' the ship anyway? (And then

realizes) Where'd that Newton fella run off ta?

Ziggy: Uh, oh!

Mickey: What do you mean uh, oh?

(The ship begins to shake a great deal and tilts to one side.)

Mickey: YOU GAVE THE DRUNK THE KEYS TO THE SPACE SHIP!?! Didn't

you realize he had crashed his last one?!? He's not ALLOWED to drive!

(A few moments later.)

David Bowie: (At his supper table.) Could you please pass me the salt, Fifi?

Iman: I think that it's rather nice that we can finally have a nice meal together

without the computer or any of your unusual friends distracting you.

(Suddenly the UFO crashes through the window, and basically most of the left

side of the building.)

David Bowie: (As the room is demolished) What the f--k?!?

Iman: (in the rubble.) Why do I somehow feel that you're responsible for this,

darling?

David Bowie: (Standing in the rubble.) How the Hell could I be held accountable

for this?

Iman: (Stares at him with a cross expression on her face.)

Ziggy Stardust: (Staggers out of the wreckage.)

David Bowie: (Sighs and pulls out his wallet to pay for the damages.)

-------------

In a message dated 10/2/00 2:16:11 PM Pacific Daylight Time,

writes:

I wonder what would happen if a listian got wished away....

Okay, here you go.

--------------------------------------

What if: The wished away listian:

Jareth: (To the goblin) Who has been wished away?

Goblin: A listian, sire. (Bows deeply.)

The listian: (Lands with a thud on the throne room floor.) I'M HERE!

Jareth: (Rubs his temples.) Splendid...

The listian: And I don't care who you have run through your Labyrinth. I'm NOT

going back.

Jareth: Fine. But if you stay here you are going to have to serve me.

The listian: Serve you to what?

Jareth: You know very well what I had meant by that!

The listian: Sure, sure. Say... Can I ask you a question?

Jareth: (irritated.) What is it?

The listian: Is that a sock?

Jareth: It's NOT a sock!

Goblin: He prefers to call it his "Trouser-masculine-enhancement."

Jareth: (Glares at the goblin)

Goblin: What?

Jareth: (Promptly kicks the goblin across the throne room.)

---------------------------

In a message dated 10/2/00 2:49:57 PM Pacific Daylight Time,

writes:

. . what if Sarah wished for the goblins to take Jareth? Would he have

to solve the Labyrinth? Would Sarah get to play with his balls . . .errr. .

. his crystal balls. . .

--------------------------

What if: Jareth were wished away:

Jareth: (Stares blankly) What do you mean I was wished away?!?

Goblin: She said the words! We all heard her!

Jareth: This is ludicrous! I am NOT solving my own Labyrinth!

Goblin: But... Your majesty! It's the law of The Underground.

Jareth: (Folds his arms.) And if I refuse?

Goblin: You are subjected to being transformed in to the most awful thing that you

can imagine.

Jareth: (Chuckles.) I can't be turned in to a common goblin.

Goblin: No.... worse.

Jareth: Worse?

Goblin: You'd be turned in to (Dramatic pause) Ziggy Stardust.

Jareth: (Looks horror struck. Then finally sighs) Thirteen hours, right?

Goblin: (Nods.)

Jareth: (Reluctantly walks away towards the start of The Labyrinth.)

---------------------------------

In a message dated 10/2/00 5:32:24 PM Pacific Daylight Time,

writes:

Let's see how about if Sarah did go with William the Worm to have a nice cup

of tea?

What if: Sarah had stopped for a spot of tea:

(In the tiny house of William The worm in the wall of The Labyrinth.)

Sarah: It seems a bit cramped.

William: Awe, you'll yet used ta it. No worries.

Mrs. Worm: (A small worm. She looks almost identical to William but she has a

tiny red ribbon in her hair. She's pink. And she has long eye lashes and no scarf.) How

about some sugar, darling?

Sarah: Yes, thank you. But I really need to get to finding Toby.

William: Isn't she so polite?

Mr. Worm: (Nods to William) Oh, yes. Quite.

Sarah: Thank you.

(Suddenly music is heard echoing)

(V.O. "No body knew what kind of magic spell to use")

Sarah: (Looks nervous) What was that?

William: Awe, don't you worry. That's just them goblins again. Everything

echoes in 'ere cause the laby walls is hallow, ya know.

Sarah: Oh.... I think I'd better be going...

William: Please stay for desert.

Mrs. Worm: Oh, yes. Please. We're serving peaches from the royal garden.

Sarah: (Sits back down.) Well, in that case... (Picks up a peach and bites it.)

....Tastes strange...

(Meanwhile in the castle.)

Jareth: (Pauses in the middle of ) Dance magic dance, jump magic jump... (Looks the

clock.) time for the ball already? (Sighs.) At this rate I'll never finish a song number.

---------------------

In a message dated 10/2/00 6:13:21 PM Pacific Daylight Time,

writes:

What if the goblins got loose on earth? What

kinda havoc would they cause?

Oh, herre's a simple one...

What if: Goblins on Earth:

(The members of BowieNet gather.)

::Looks innocently around:: What?

--------------------

In a message dated 10/2/00 6:27:44 PM Pacific Daylight Time,

writes:

Ok...so they wouldn't cause much trouble...

Hmm....what if Ziggy Stardust kidnapped all the goblins and held them

hostage?

--------------------------------------

What if: Ziggy Stardust were to hold Jareth's goblins hostage:

(Somewhere on Mars, early in 1972 = Birth place of Glam rock and all things

"Glittery.": Back stage at a rock concert..)

Jareth: If you don't give them back I'll be forced to suspend you over The Bog of

Eternal Stench.

Ziggy Stardust: (Folds his arm.) No way. Uh, no way, man. That ain't cool.

Come on. Ease off, old man. I was just havin' a lill fun. Anyways I'ms gettin' far more

use a 'em then you was eva. Ya, a truly gorgeous fella, an' all but yous really gotsta learn

some patience, ya know.

Jareth: (Rubs his temples. Sighing deeply.) All right, "Ziggy". If you give

them back I'll give you a nice large jar of glitter to use at your own discretion.

Ziggy Stardust: (Smile.) Right. Now yer talkin' Sure. See. Now, it ain't hard to

come ta an amicable arrangement, now is it, mate?

Jareth: (Takes back his goblins after giving Ziggy Stardust a very large jar of

glitter.)

(Several hours later in The Underground.)

Jareth: (looking over the goblins in his throne room. Beginning to suspect that there

is a hand full missing.)

(Now on Earth, 1972.)

Ziggy Stardust: (Stands on Stage. He directs to the audience, microphone in hand.) I

am Ziggy Stardust! (Gestures behind him.) And these are my new band mates, The

Spiders from Mars! (To the "band") Hit it, boys!

------------------------

What? Oh, come on. As if I'm the only one that suspected that Mick Ronson was

a goblin?

--------------

In a message dated 10/3/00 11:08:11 AM Pacific Daylight Time,

.sg writes:

And since

you are so good at them, what if Sarah never met Hoggle or anyone for that matter

outside the

labyrinth walls?

~ Collin

Thank you, Collin. I am very glad that you seem to like these. I never thought

they'd be such a hit with everyone. But since no one has started to complain about my

poor taste and sense of humour yet I suppose I'll continue. It's afternoon here in New

York. But time zones mean little to me for two reasons. 1. I have a very poor sense of

time and positively detest schedules. And 2. I don't sleep much.

Well, here you go...

------------------------------------------

What if Sarah had never met her friends:

Sarah: (Standing outside of The Labyrinth.) How am I supposed to get inside?

(Several hours later.)

Jareth: (sitting boredly in the castle.) three hours left and she hasn't even started yet?

(Yawns. Looks over to Toby.) Well, it looks as if it's certain now, I'm keeping you.

Sarah: (Several days later. Sitting in front of The Labyrinth, her head in her hands.)

Jareth: (Holding the crystal with Sarah's image in it, in front of his new "son") Can you

say "Stupid", Toby? I wonder if I should have someone tell her that she's sitting right in

front of the doors.

Sarah: (Climbs to her feet and walks over to the pond because she's grown incredibly

thirsty in all that time. She kneels down to take handful to sip.)

Jareth: NO! Don't drink that. (Turns away from the crystal in disgust.) Ugh!

---------------------

In a message dated 10/3/00 3:10:18 PM Pacific Daylight Time,

writes:

Ooh I have another what if idea! What if Jareth (For some odd, unknown

reason) decided to surprise David Bowie by showing up at his place and

throwing a party?

---------------------------------

What if: For some odd reason Jareth threw a party for David Bowie:

David Bowie: (Entered the building. Blinks his eyes. Wonders why it's so dark.

He flicks on the light switch. He looks to Jareth, whom is standing before him.

Surprised.) What are YOU doing here?

Jareth: Oh, David! What do mean by- what are you doing here? Am I not allowed

to visit with an old friend?

David Bowie: Old friend, yes. Me, no.

Jareth: Oh, come on. I've invited all of your "friends." We mustn't disappoint

them. (Affectionately wraps an arm around David and leads him in to the adjoined

room.)

(A crowd of people leap out.)

The Crowd: SURPRISE!

David Bowie: (Blinks his eyes.) What's all this?

Jareth: Why, it's a party, David. For being such a good sport and putting up with

all of us after all these years.

David Bowie: (Soon realizes that the crowd is made up entirely out of his own

personas.) All right, boys, what do you want?

Jareth: (Clearly the spokesperson for the group.) And what makes you think that we

would want anything?

David Bowie: (Sideways glances at Jareth, suspiciously.)

Jareth: Come on, boys. Let's have our dearest, and closest companion feel at easy.

The crowd: (Starts singing) For he's a jolly good multiple personality disorder facet,

For he's a jolly good multiple personality disorder facet, For he's a jolly good multiple

personality disorder facet which no body can deny.

Jareth: All right, all right. That's quite enough. (Steps back the moment David

Bowie is not looking and locks the door.) Okay, now tell him what you want.

Ziggy Stardust: I wanna like be big again, you know. I really need ta get back in the

spotlight.

Major Tom: I want you to clear the record that I am NOT dead!

Hallowe'en Jack: I want more then one song that mentions my name!

Aladdin Sane: I want a story as interesting as his! (Points to Ziggy.)

Thomas Jerome Newton: I'm tired of being the confusing, depressing one. I want a

"happy" ending for once!

Ziggy Stardust: Right, so you want to be the confusing, perky one?

Aladdin Sane: (To Ziggy Stardust) Isn't that your position?

Major Tom: Oh, come off it! He's not perky, he's hyper.

The thin white Duke: I want ..uh.. I want. (Stares off in to space as the years of

drug abuse finally take their toll.)

Thomas Jerome Newton: Yeah, you go and ponder that.

Monte: I want a last name! Why the Hell am I the only one here without a last name?

And why the Hell is HIS (Points at Thomas Jerome Newton.) lawyer in MY movie?

Mr. Rice: I want my film to be released to a mainstream audience!

Paul: I want to star in a film LESS confusing then The man who fell to Earth.

Thomas Jerome Newton: My story is not all that confusing. You should just read the

novel that it's based on by Walter Tevis. It's actually a rather good book.

Monte: Yes, Tommy. But we shouldn't have to read a two-hundred-page novel just to

be able to follow the movie. Most people end up watching a film based on a book to try

and understand the book, not the other way around.

Major Jack Celliers: (Falls to his knees, pleadingly in front of David Bowie.) I don't

want to die!

John Blaylock: I want to stay young, damn it!

Vendice Partners: I want MY musical to be as much of a cult classic as his film. (Points

towards Jareth.)

Jareth: Not bloody likely, beginner.

The Shark: I want more then five seconds of camera time in a comedy!

Colin Morris: I want In to the Night to air on television!

Pontius Pilate: I want to be in another film that provokes picketing and religious

controversy!

Phillip Jeffries: I want to be on the series, Twin Peaks.

Thomas Jerome Newton: Umm. Phillip?

Phillip Jeffries: Yes, Newton?

Thomas Jerome Newton: (Shakes his head.) I'm sorry but. That's not on the air

anymore.

Phillip Jeffries: Are you certain?

Ziggy Stardust: Yes, he's certain. That one's bloody well obsessed with television.

Phillip Jeffries: Well, in that case I want to be on the Supranos!

Andy Warhol: I want my hair to look "real".

Bernie: I want to come out of the closet!

Ziggy Stardust: Been there, done that. A little late for that, mate.

Bernie: Well, in that case. (Smiles fondly over at Aladdin Sane.)

A gun-toting pistolero: I want to be in a film that ACTUALLY makes it to American

audiences.

Mefastophalies: David, I'm just here to collect your soul. You sold it to me the day you

married Angie.

The elephant man: I'm just dandy, really... I just have one problem.

Jareth: And that would be?

The elephant man: (Points towards Thomas Jerome Newton) HIS STORY SHOULD

NOT BE MADE IN TO A BROADWAY MUSICAL! Who is the idiot behind that?

David Bowie: (Has curled up in to a little ball in the corner of the room. He lays there in

a fetal position.)

Monte: Do you think we killed him?

John Blaylock: If we did can I eat him?

(The rest of the group stares at him.)

John Blaylock: (Innocently) What?

-------------

In a message dated 10/3/00 9:02:10 PM Pacific Daylight Time,

saphire_ writes:

Ok I just thought of something. What is by some mistake when Jareth went

to appear to take Toby and he took a wrong turn and ended up in The Rocky

Horror Picture Show? Just my little insane imput. BTW I love the stories

they are wonderful!! Keep them coming if you aren't to tired ;)

Thank you. Well, here you go.

-----------------------

What if: Jareth were in the Rocky Horror Picture show:

Jareth: (Appears in the middle of The Transylvanian convention by mistake.) Oh,

I'm so sorry. I beg your pardon but would any of you lads know the way to Sarah's house

from here?

The guests: (Stare at Jareth confused.)

Dr. Frank N Futter: (Makes his grand entrance. Spots Jareth.) Jarey!

Jareth: (Looks wide-eyed.) Frank?

Dr. Frank N Futter: (Runs over to him and wraps his arms around him affectionately.)

Where have you been? You don't call, you don't write! (Pouts.)

Jareth: Well, I've been busy. Places to go, teenagers to torment and all that.

Dr. Frank N Futter: (Runs his finger along Jareth's chest.) Yes, well. That's all over with

now. You know I've missed you.

Jareth: Not now, Franky. Please. I'm late for an appointment.

Dr. Frank N Futter: Oh, please, Jay, just a short stay? Please.

Jareth: Oh, all right. But after Sweet Transvestite we do Dance magic. And you

remember to use WATERPROOF mascara before leaping in to the pool.

Dr. Frank N Futter: Oh, goody. (Claps his hands together.)

-------------------------------------

In a message dated 10/4/00 9:50:17 AM Pacific Daylight Time, .sg

writes:

So.... what if

1. Iman should wish her baby away to the goblins?

---------------------------------------------------------

What if: Iman wished away Alexandria:

Jareth: (Stands with Iman at the start of The Labyrinth.) You have thirteen hours in

which to solve the Labyrinth before your baby daughter becomes-

Iman: (Interrupts him) I'm not going in there! I just had my nails done. (Calls out.)

OH, DAVID!

David Bowie: Yes, love? (Comes running.)

Iman: (Seductively.) I need you to do something for me, darling.

David Bowie: Can't this wait, Fifi? I was in a chat room!

Iman: No. (Points towards the Labyrinth.) Go and retrieve our daughter.

David Bowie: (Sighs.) Yes, dear.

Jareth: (Stares at Iman. Between false coughs the words slip out.) Hen pecked.

Iman: Well, at least it keeps him away from that damned computer.

---------------

In a message dated 10/4/00 9:50:17 AM Pacific Daylight Time, .sg

writes:

2. Ziggy Stardust is the goblin king instead of Jareth?

~ Collin

---------------

If Ziggy Stardust ruled The Underground in stead of Jareth:

Sarah: (Staring.) You're him, aren't you? You're the goblin king?

Ziggy Stardust: (had been staring at his own, recently varnished fingernails.) Huh?

Wha? Oh, right. Yeah. 'Course, I am, darlin. I'm like the nazz, and all that.

Sarah: (Cocks her head to the side.) What.. What's a nazz?

Ziggy Stardust: Ya know, I ain't really sure.

-------------------------

Ziggy Stardust: (In the throne room with Toby.) Like, you is really somethin' else, ya

know that. You is a lovely lill thin'. I think I'll call ya Zowie. (Muses, rather liking the

name idea.) Zowie Bowie.

Toby: (Begins to cry hysterically.)

------------------------------------------

Goblin: Your majesty! Your majesty!

Ziggy Stardust: yes?

Goblin: The girl. The girl that ate the peach and forgot everything.

Ziggy Stardust: (Clicks his tongue on the roof of his mouth.) What about 'er? (His mind

is so fried he actually does not remember her.)

Goblin: She got through the gates and is now on the way to the castle.

Ziggy: (Slightly bored.) Woah, bummer. Awe, man, that ain't cool. Say, don't happen ta

know where I can get me one a 'em peaches, do ya, mate?

----------------

-----------

In a message dated 10/5/00 10:17:37 PM Pacific Daylight Time, Danithekid

writes:

WHat if when sarah eats the peach...she gets transported to THE HOUSE ON

HAUNTED HILL odd kind of ball doncha think?

-the kid

----------------

Well, this is a rather strange one. But then again, Danni,

you are a very strange, strange person. Now, I'll have to put aside my

personal bias to do this one because I strongly disliked the remake of The

House on Haunted Hill. I much preferred the original. So, I'm old

fashioned! Sue me!

-------------------

Sarah in The House on Haunted Hill:

Sarah: (Appears in The House on Haunted Hill.) What am I doing here?

Price: Why, you're here to collect your reward. Mwahahaha!

Sarah: My reward? (Dazed.)

Price: Why, Yes. If you (Dramatic pause.) survive the night, you get

a nice big check. Mwahahaha!

Sarah: But I can't stay. I have to find Toby.

Price: Oh, but you must stay the night. Mwahahaha!

Sarah: Aren't you Vincent Price?

Price: No. He's dead. .Or is he? Mwahahaha!

Sarah: Please, stop doing that.

Price: Sorry.

---------------

In a message dated 10/6/00 9:02:33 AM Pacific Daylight Time, Ailaya writes:

what if sarah devoloped mutant powers(cause adolescents uner stress do)).

heeh x-men crossoverssss :P

so sue me i think dani mentioned something about it last night but i haven't

woken up nyet and can't think on my own :)

---------

What if Sarah were to have Powers:

Jareth: You have thirteen hours in which to solve the-

Sarah: (Interrupting him.) Wait!

Jareth: What is it?

Sarah: (Grabs Jareth's wrists quickly before he can pull away and instantly

she has absorbed some of his powers. She takes the form of a barn owl and flies

over The Labyrinth.)

Jareth: (Calls after her.) Wait! That's cheating!

--------------------------

In a message dated 10/6/00 9:04:43 AM Pacific Daylight Time, Ailaya writes:

so umm what if spoike an dru got wished away ? :P hehe

--------------------------

What if

Drucilla and Spike of Buffy The vampire Slayer

were in The Labyrinth:

(Spike and Drucilla appear on the hill over looking The Labyrinth.)

Spike: Bloody Hell! Where are we?

Drucilla: (In her, dazed, lost little girl-like voice.) I think we're in

some place very strange, love.

Spike: (Cynically.) Well, I can see that, love. But where the bloody Hell

is here?

Jareth: (Appears before them, his arms folded.) You are in my Labyrinth.

Drucilla: Owe, I like him. Can I- can I play with him, darling? Can I?

Spike: Who the Bloody Hell are you?

Jareth: (Attempts to ignore Spike's false English accent, which sounds a

great deal to him like a muttled Cockney accent. Finding it more annoying

then an American would find a false Texan accent from a Brit.) I am Jareth,

(Bows slightly.) The Goblin King.

Spike: Goblin King? Well, I don't care if you're the bloody Queen mother. I

need to get back to bloody Sunnydale!

Jareth: (leans in towards Spike and whispers.) Just drop it, okay. I know

you're American.

Spike: How can you tell?

Jareth: Well, for one thing- you've said "bloody" more times in the last

thirty seconds then a staff member on a John Carpenter film set.

Spike: (Ignoring the comment, maintaining the insistence that he is not from

Wisconsin.) Well, anyway, I don't think we belong here.

Jareth: In deed, you don't

Drucilla: (By now Drucilla is clinging on Jareth's arm, staring hungrily at

his throat.)

Jareth: (Shrugs her off.)

Drucilla: (Pouts.) Sunshine, he doesn't play right. (Half whining.) Make

him play fair.

Jareth: Apparently you've ended up in the wrong story. I'm not the David

Bowie persona you want. I'll be back in a moment. (Disappears.)

Spike: Hey! Where'd he go?

Drucilla: (Glassy eyed.) To a place far. far away....

Jareth: (His voice can be heard.) I'm in the next film over! (Returns a

moment later, dragging John Blaylock of The Hunger, by his hair, behind him.)

Here. (Tosses Jack Blaylock towards Drucilla.) That's the man you want.

His name is John Blaylock Now, you vampires play nicely.

Drucilla: (Smiles affectionately at John Blaylock.) Oh, I like him. (To

Spike.) Look, love, he's like us. And he's pretty too. Can I keep him?

Spike: I don't see why not.

Drucilla: (Claps her hands together.) Oh, goody! We can share him! He'll

be our special friend. Would you like that, Johnny? (placing her hands on

his shoulders.)

John Blaylock: (Cries) Get your hands off me! (Looks over at Jareth.)

What about Miriam?

Jareth: Forget about Miriam! She was bound to leave you for another woman.

That just shows what a good shag you were, now doesn't it?

John Blaylock: (Does not answer.)

Drucilla: (To John Blaylock.) Awe, you're getting little gray hairs, well,

no worries. I can make that all better. I'm going to give you real

immortality.

John Blaylock: (Smiles.)

Jareth: (Makes a grand gesture and Drucilla, Spike and John Blaylock appear

back in Sunnydale California.)

Spike: (Looking a bit jealous wish his arms folded watches as Drucilla

literally revamps John Blaylock.)

John Blaylock: I am forever in your debt.

Drucilla: (Looks to Spike) Darling?

Spike: Yes?

Drucilla: (Confused.) Why does his accent sound different from yours?

Spike: (Throws his arms in the air, angrily.) Just SHUT UP about that!

--------------

In a message dated 10/6/00 12:55:47 PM Pacific Daylight Time,

writes:

Raven,

You're getting very good at these. Here's one for you. What if YOU were

wished away to the Labyrinth, along with the rest of us insane-asylum wanna

be's from the RP, but Jareth was the tiny little goblin seen at the end of

the original script?

-Cat

--------------

What if The AOL Labyrinth RPG Players

Were in The Labyrinth:

And Jareth REALLY is a goblin:

Myself: I'm disappointed. I mean, come on! LOOK AT HIM!

Bree: Well, it looks like we're stuck here.

Sarah: What are we going to do?

Tom: Why don't you make "me" the king?

(Everyone else just glares at him.)

Tom: Or maybe not.

Mary: Well, so long as we're trapped here we ARE going to need a leader.

Myself: Right! This place needs a REAL goblin King. Someone who is

a born leader, someone witty and clever, creative, charismatic, maybe a

little bit eccentric, and fair.

Tom: (Coughs) and arrogant. (Coughs.)

Myself: Well, if it isn't the narcissistic pot calling the kettle

black.

Bree: And you nominate yourself, don't you, Raven?

Myself: Why not, I've been The Goblin King for all of you quite long

enough. I think it's time all the fantasies were made reality. well, so to

speak. If could call this reality.

Christine: Raven, you can't be The Goblin King, you're not even really

ma-

Myself: (Interrupting) Oh, details, details. All right, as my first

act as the REAL goblin king, let's just get rid of the old riffraff. Out

with the old, and in with the new (Chucks the puny former Goblin King out a

window.)

Former King: (Screams as he splatters on the jagged rocks below.)

Myself: Ah, much better. Now, my second act as Goblin King of our,

brave new world, who else here was disappointed that we didn't find a David

Bowie look a like in tights to torment?

(At least one fourth of the players raise their hand.)

Myself: Good. Well, in that case. Let's just have a bit of fun with

the real thing. Bree, wish Bowie away. (Smirks viciously.) I want to play.

--------------

In a message dated 10/6/00 1:37:31 PM Pacific Daylight Time, Dot E 2286

writes:

What if, instead of the whole "go through the Labyrinth in 13 hours",

Sarah and Jareth went to court and had a custody battle over Toby?

--------------

What if Jareth were to sue Sarah for custody of Toby:

(The opening arguments.)

Jareth: I fed him, I changed his diaper. I rocked him. I sang to him.

I played with him. I spoke gently to him. Meanwhile this "charming" young

woman rocked him roughly, ignored his crying, lashed out at him, took away

his toy.

Jury: (Boos and hisses at Sarah.)

Sarah: But you stole him!

Jareth: You were cruel and negligent to the boy! I pampered him!

Sarah: I'm his sister. He loves me. You're a monster that frightens him.

Judge: Why does this seem so incredibly familiar?

Jareth: Because the person writing this is too lazy to dream up new jokes

so this all recycled rubbish.

Judge: (Sighs.) Well, shall we begin? Would the plaintiff call the first

witness please?

Jareth: (Stands) Your honour I'd like to call to the stand Mucus, Odious

and Bob.

Judge: (Blinks his eyes as three hideous goblins take the stand.) Mucus..

Odious.. And Bob?

Jareth: It was short for Robert.

Judge: Oh, I see.

Sarah: I seriously don't think it's fair that he's using the alien's lawyer

from The man who fell to Earth! And isn't he supposed to be dead or

something?

Sarah's lawyer: With that film how could you tell?

Oliver Farnsworth: Can we hurry this up, my other client wants to get back

to his home plan... I mean... I have another case in an hour.

Judge: (Has fallen asleep.)

Sarah's lawyer: (stands) Your honour, I move for a case dismissal!

Judge: (wakes up abruptly) Huh? What for?

Sarah's lawyer: Well, for one thing, the plaintiff's "witnesses" have eaten

my paper work (She holds up a gnawed on folder with teeth marks, tares,

drool, and claw marks all over it.)

--------------------- (later.)--------------------------------

Judge: What the Hell is he doing?

Jareth: He's on the telephone with another client.

Oliver Farnsworth: (on the telephone.) No, no. Mr. Newton, of course not.

Why would anyone think that? (A small pause.) No, no. I don't think it's

suspicious that you're spending millions of dollars to construct a flying

saucer in Kentucky and won't tell us what you plan on doing with it. (A

small pause.) Well, I can see that you get your green card. Oh. Oh! You

mean that sort of alien. Well, Mr. Newton, of course I knew that.

(Chuckles.) Of course. It was obvious. I just couldn't care less so long as

you're paying me. And if you decide to invade I still get my own office.

Jareth: (Glares over at Oliver Farnsworth)

Oliver Farnsworth: Oh, Tommy, I have go. Yeah, The Goblin King's being a

bitch. No! You can't anal probe Mick Jagger! Not until you have him sign a

waver first! Okay. Good bye. (hangs up the telephone.) (To Jareth and the

judge.) Sorry about that. My other client had a small crisis. .his

television(s) blew out.

------------------- (Hours in to court)---------------

Oliver Farnsworth: Your honour when my client had been asked that that he

should TAKE the stand perhaps the request should have been rephrased.

Judge: Well, for just how long do I have to prolong this recess?

Oliver Farnsworth: (reading over a memo notice left by Jareth.) Until you

unriddle The Labyrinth and return with the stand.

Judge: (Slams down the gabble) This court is adjourned for thirteen hours.

(Sighs and walks out the door, following a goblin.)

(Thirteen hours later the judge returns to the stand.)

Sarah: (Stands up) This jury is bias! They're ALL goblins!

Judge: No, they are not! They're American citizens!

Sarah: (Blinks her eyes) Oh.

Jareth: (Returning to his seat. Mutters.) I hadn't noticed the difference.

Judge: (looks exhausted) Okay, this trial is back in session!

Bailiff: (Spits out, what look looks like a cup of water he'd been drinking

right on to the floor.

Sarah's Lawyer: (Runs in after having stepped out of the room for a moment.)

Oh, my God! There's a troll urinating in the water cooler!

Jareth: (Makes a careless gesture) Oh, that's just Higgle.

Sarah: (Correcting him) Hogwart.

Hoggle: (Comes staggering in to the court room, adjusting himself.) It's

Hoggle!

Judge: If he does that again I am going to find him in contempt!

Sarah: I think this whole courtroom should be found in contempt!

Oliver Farnsworth: Look, could we hurry this up, please? I have places to

go, things to do.

Jareth: Such as?

Oliver Farnsworth: Well, for one thing, I have two David Bowie films to

co-star in. And in both films I have to have a semi-closet homosexual

relationship with another character, example 1. Trevor in The man who fell

to Earth, and the other old man in The Linguini Incident. And I have an

alcoholic alien genius to exploit, a company to run bankrupt, wait for

government officials to chuck me out an opened window.

Jareth: (Sighs. Rolls his eyes and places his head down on the desk.)

You're honour may we take a five minute recess? I would like to drop my

attorney head first in to The Bog of eternal sten- .I mean, I would like to

dismiss him.

Judge: (Slams down the gabble.) Five minute recess.

Oliver Farnsworth: (Screams as he lands in The Bog of Eternal Stench.)

Judge: All right. Order in the court. Court is back in session. (Towards

Jareth) Mr. Uh. King, do you think it's all right now if we start closing

arguments.

Jareth: Yes. (Stands up and faces the jury) Ladies and gentlemen of the

jury- just fear me. Love me. Do as I say and I will be your slave.

Sarah: (Stands up) He's out of line! I object! He's bribing the jury!

Judge: (gazing in to the crystal orb that Jareth gave him) Shut up you

little tart!

Sarah's Lawyer: (After wrestling to get the dream crystal away from the

judge.) Okay. Now, maybe this'll be just a little bit fair.

Judge: (Resting his head on his hand.) Can we please end this?

Sarah: (Whispers to her lawyer) I have a feeling we're not going to win.

Juror 1: Kill her!

Juror 2: Hang her!

Juror 3: Drop her in The Bog of Eternal Stench!

Sarah's Lawyer: (leans over to Sarah) How can you tell?

Juror 4: Well, for one thing, the jury is made up entirely of Labyrinth

listians from the Labyrinth E-mailing list.

Sarah: That's not fair!

Jareth: (Stands up.) You say that so often I wonder- (He's interrupted.)

The entire courtroom: -what your basis for comparison is!

Judge: (Slams down his gabble.) Order! Order in the court! Order!

Jareth: (Rubs his temples.) I really need some new catch phrases.

Sarah's Lawyer: (About Jareth) I wonder what he promised the Labyrinth

E-mailing listians for acting as the jury.

(That night):

Jareth: (Screams in torture) Make it stop! Oh, for the love of God!

Someone make it stop! OH, THE HUMANITY!

Random Listian: (Giggles as she places yet another video tape in to the

VCR). Oh, calm down, Jareth. Only seven more David Bowie movies to go.

Jareth: (Shudders as Absolute beginners starts.)

----------------------

--------------------

In a message dated 10/6/00 8:57:48 PM Pacific Daylight Time,

writes:

What if Jareth and some other David Bowie personas switched bodies?

----------------------

This one is just a little bit redundant because they are all David Bowie but the

fictional character portrayals, and the ages do give differences in their physical forms.

What if David Bowie's personas were to switch bodies:

Jareth: (In Thomas Jerome Newton's body) So how long do we have to do this?

Ziggy Stardust: (in Jareth's body.) Cor! I already told ya! Can't you 'member nuthin?

Jareth: (stumbling a little.) It's not my fault! I can't think clearly at all. The bastard was

pissed before we switched.

Ziggy Stardust: Well, you should a realized, he had gin for breakfast.

Jareth: Just tell me when this is going to end! I can't see a thing with these f--ked up

eyes.

Ziggy Stardust: Ya should a put on 'is glasses, they're in yer pocket.

Jareth: (Looks insulted.) Me?! Wearing spectacles? Never!

Ziggy Stardust: (Rolls his eyes.) Don't be such a prick bout it. Anyway, they're

sunglasses.

Jareth: Riiight, (cynically) and do I get a nice white cane with them as well? (Trying to

focus his eyes but finding it incredibly difficult.)

Ziggy Stardust: 'ey just ease off already. It's just 'til sunset. That's when your little spell

breaks.

Jareth: My spell? MY spell?!? YOU were the one who I found toying with my book on

magick!

Ziggy Stardust: I told yer, it was an accident. I wanted ta try on yer clothes, not ta try on

you!

Jareth: (Sighs, and brushes the long bangs of hair out of his eyes.)

Ziggy Stardust: (Has begun to play with the bulge in his trousers.)

Jareth: (Narrows his eyes. And then steps over to him- smacking Ziggy Stardust's hand

away from his crotch.) Would you stop molesting me!

Ziggy Stardust: Well, I can't help it! I ain't this large! How the Hell did ya get one so

big?

Jareth: Just knock it off!

Ziggy Stardust: (Smirks.) It ain't real, is it, darlin? Well, I suppose there ain't nuthin'

wrong in not bein' well hung as me. (Won't admit that his trousers were designed to make

him look bigger.)

Jareth: (Ignores the question and comment entirely. Looking at the body he's in, in the

mirror.) My God, he's boney! Doesn't he eat?!

Ziggy Stardust: Does Gin and oatmeal cookies count?

Jareth: (Still looking over the body in the mirror.)

Ziggy Stardust: (Has a small mound of a white powder in front of him, and appears to be

about ready to indulge in it.)

Jareth: (Notices what Ziggy Stardust is about to do. Using all of his physical strength,

Thomas Jerome Newton, having been incredibly feeble, manages to shove Ziggy Stardust

away from the cocaine.) NOT IN MY BODY- YOU DON'T!

Ziggy Stardust: (Screams as they both tumble to the floor.)

Jareth: (Pushing off of him.) Just where is that incompetent alien with your body,

anyway?

Ziggy Stardust: Err. He doesn't have it.

Jareth: Then who does?

Ziggy Stardust: Mick Jagger.

Jareth: And who has Mick Jagger's body?

Ziggy Stardust: Tommy.

Jareth: Oh, that's terrific! Just fan-bloody-tastic! They're probably off masturbating.

Ziggy Stardust: Or rogerin' each other.

Jareth: (Sighs.) Just what time is it?

Ziggy Stardust: 'bout five-ish. Blimey! You is as blind as a bat! Can't ya see the clock?

Jareth: With these eyes, no. And these contact lenses are irritating as all Hell.

Ziggy Stardust: Well, stop playin' with 'em.

Jareth: Just what else is screwed up about this bugger?

Ziggy Stardust: Just sit back and don't worry on it. Just don't play with nuthin'. It's a bit

hard to tell what's real and what ain't with 'im. Sides, the body ain't yers anyways.

Jareth: (Looks down at the trousers. Suddenly realizes something.) OH, DEAR GOD!

That's not real either?!

Ziggy Stardust: Real enough for him anyways. And sides, no one notices.

Jareth: But it's detachable!!!

Ziggy Stardust: So what? Mosta yer fans with that Package story thinks that yours is

too.

Jareth: (Sits down, because Thomas Jerome Newton's body tires easily.) I think I have

finally discovered what Hell is.

---------------

In a message dated 10/6/00 6:59:01 PM Pacific Daylight Time, Cozmicgirl16 writes:

let's say that that night, she was watching "the rocky horror picture show" and she

wished away toby. But then, what if when she was set to solve the labyrinth, she met up

with eddie, magenta, and riffraff, who was apparently sent to find frank n' furter that they

wished away?

just a weird idea

What if the characters of The Rocky

Horror Picture show were to run in to Sarah:

Sarah: (Blinks her eyes.) Who are you?

Riffraff: Hello.

Magenta: We're here to find Dr. Frank N. Futter.

Riffraff: That's right. We're here to kill. I mean find Dr. Frank N. Futter.

Sarah: Well, I have to solve this Labyrinth to find my brother, Toby.

Riffraff: Perhaps it would be in our best interests if we journeyed The Labyrinth

together.

---------------- (several hours later in the castle.)

Magenta: I've found them! (Standing in the door frame of Jareth's bedchamber.)

Riffraff: (Comes running up to her.)

Sarah: (Stands with them in the door frame.)

Jareth: (In bed, naked in Dr. Frank N. Futter's arms.)

Riffraff: Master!

Dr. Frank N. Futter: Riffraff!

Magenta: Dr. Frank!

Dr. Frank N. Futter: Magenta!

Sarah: Jareth!

Jareth: (Just looks at them.)

Riffraff: Master!

Dr. Frank N. Futter: Riffraff!

Magenta: Dr. Frank!

Dr. Frank N. Futter: Magenta!

Sarah: Jareth!

Jareth: (Just looks at them.)

Riffraff: Master!

Dr. Frank N. Futter: Riffraff!

Magenta: Dr. Frank!

Dr. Frank N. Futter: Magenta!

Sarah: Jareth!

Jareth: OH, WOULD YOU STOP THAT!

----------------------------------

In a message dated 10/6/00 10:28:37 PM Pacific Daylight Time, Ailaya writes:

what if jareth went bald?

"I have a weapon, TOO!!"

~ Thomas Jerome Pony

"Gin! Marilou! Gin! TV! Gin! TV! Freaky sex! TV! Water!"

Two things first, Monique. 1. You scare me. And 2. Thought that had to have been

my favourite guess at pictionary during Bowie Survivor ( "Gin! Marilou! Gin! TV! Gin!

TV! Freaky sex! TV! Water!") I believe you should not have named your My little pony

doll after The man who fell to Earth.

--------------------------------------------

What if Jareth were to go bald:

Jareth: (Appears in wig shoppe on Earth.) Do you have any more "Blond wizard

wigs"

(A useless trivial fact, the Jareth hair style wig used to be sold in the mid-eighties

around Halloween, under the title of "Blond wizard wig".)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

In a message dated 10/6/00 11:06:23 PM Pacific Daylight Time, PrincessDrucilla writes:

waht if the goblins discovered the joys of cafinated soft drinks?

----------------------------------

What if: Goblins on caffeine:

And God said: "Let there by a Labyrinth E-mailing list."

::::Looks around innocently:: What?

-------------------------------------

In a message dated 10/7/00 3:38:05 PM Pacific Daylight Time, EMS DaWgEtTe

007 writes:

What if The Simpson's were wished away to the Labyrinth? Just a funny though... :)~

~Liz

-------------------------------------

Simpsons in The Labyrinth:

Marge: (Carrying Maggie in her arms. Nagging.) Homer, I don't think you should

have said those words.

Homer: It's all the boy's fault.

Bart: Well, I didn't think it would work.

Jareth: (Appears before them.)

Bart: Say, aren't you that has-been rock star?

Lisa: Actually, Bart, he's not really a has been. He's currently the world's richest

entertainer.

Jareth: No, I am not David Bowie. I am Jareth, The Goblin King.

Bart: Sure whatever, man. (makes a spinning gesture with his hand by his head, the clock

work thing, the universal sign meaning lunatic.)

Homer: Kids, just humour the has-been rock star.

Jareth: I am NOT David Bowie!

Bart: Sure, of course you're not. (Patronizingly.)

Jareth: (Forms a crystal orb in his hands.) Can David Bowie do this? (Begins to rotate

the spinning crystal on the back of his hand.)

Bart: Actually I think I did see Bowie do that during his Earthling concert.

Lisa: Oh, you did not! He didn't have any crystals on stage.

Bart: Crystals? Oh, I thought you just meant playing with his balls.

-----------------

In a message dated 10/7/00 4:42:32 PM Pacific Daylight Time,

writes:

:::grins::: Very nice J. But who was it Homer wished away anyway?

Ooh, and I have another idea. What if Iman wished David Bowie away?

David Bowie wished away:

Jareth: (Appears before David on the hill over looking The Labyirnth. Sighs) Again

David?

David: Yeah.

Jareth: Well, you know the routine.

David: I'm going, I'm going... (Reluctantly starts towards The Labyrinth.)

Jareth: (Shakes his head. To himself.) That's third time this week. At this rate I'll have

to give that old bastard a room in the castle.

-------------------------

In a message dated 10/7/00 7:33:08 PM Pacific Daylight Time, Danithekid writes:

What if when Mojo Jojo the evil maniacle villian from the powerpuff girls got

smashed in the head with a 2X4 and thought that he was jareth?

-Danielle

Danni, I've been told that therapy is a "good" thing...

--------------------------------------------

Mojo Jojo: But I am! I am Jareth, really! I am the goblin King

The blond man in tights: Yes, of course you are. (Patronizingly.

Mojo Jojo: But I am! Watch me fondle my magical balls!

The blond man in tights: Please stop touching yourself like that.

----------------------------------------------------------------

In a message dated 10/8/00 4:27:35 AM Pacific Daylight Time, writes:

1) What if during the Ball scene, Sarah didn't manage to break the glass?

What if the glass didn't break:

Sarah: Why won't it break? (Growing frustrated, with the stool in her hands.)

Jareth: It's double plated. You don't think I'd be fool enough to have a ball in a crystal

sphere less then two inches thick do you?

Sarah: (The daze from the enchanted peach wearing off.) I have to get out of here! I

have to find Toby.

Jareth: (Folds his arms.) Well, you're not going anywhere.

Sarah: (Slumps down against the wall.)

Jareth: Now, you could sit there and sulk all evening or get up and dance with me. It's

up to you, Sarah.

Sarah: Oh, all right. But if you step on my feet again I'm throwing YOU at the wall.

----------------------------

In a message dated 10/8/00 4:27:35 AM Pacific Daylight Time, writes:

2) What if Bowie during a family fight wished Iman away?

Iman: Darling, come to bed.

David Bowie: Not now, Fifi, I have to reply to this post!

Iman: (Rolls her eyes.) I'll call you "Sailor" if you come to bed.

David Bowie: Not now, love, I'm late for a chat session!

Iman: (Sighs) And you wonder why it took us eight years to have a child together. It

took us that long to have an accidental power cut and your computer to shut off. Do you

know what I wish, David?

David Bowie: (Face practically glewed to his computer screen.) What do you wish,

darling?

Iman: I wish you would forget that damned computer one night!

David Bowie: And I wish the goblins would come and take you away, right now!

(Iman appears in The Underground.)

Iman: (Now standing in the throne room of Jareth's castle.)

----------------(Later that night.)-----------------------

Jareth: (Appears before David Bowie.) That time of the month, is it?

David Bowie: (Sarcasm) How did you guess?

Jareth: This! (Holds out a crystal orb that shows goblins cowering in terror at Iman as

she throws heavy pieces of furniture at them because they "made" her chip a nail.)

----------------------

What if Iman wished David Bowie away... again:

Iman: Darling, come to bed.

David Bowie: Not now, Fifi, I have to reply to this post! (In front of his computer as

usual.)

Iman: (Rolls her eyes.) I'll call you "Sailor" if you come to bed.

David Bowie: Not now, love, I'm late for a chat session!

Iman: (Sighs) And you wonder why it took us eight years to have a child together. It

took us that long to have an accidental power cut and your computer to shut off. You

know what, David.

David Bowie: (Face practically glewed to his computer screen.) What do you wish,

darling?

Iman: (Smiles.) I wish the goblins would come and take you away. ...right now.

(David Bowie appears in The Underground.)

David Bowie. (Now standing on the hill over looking The Labyrinth.)

Jareth: (Appears before David Bowie.) That time of the month, is it?

David Bowie: (Sarcasm) How did you guess?

Jareth: You know, this is getting redundant, David . Why don't you just bribe me already

and you won't have to go through The Labyrinth anymore.

David Bowie: For the LAST time I am not going to star in Labyrinth 2!

Jareth: Good luck then. You have thirteen hours-

David Bowie: (Interrupts him.) I know, I know.

Jareth: Oh, and this time....

David Bowie: What is it?

Jareth: This time you have to do it, (An evil gleam in his eye.) With a sporting

disability. You'll have to solve it with him. (Steps aside to reveal that Ziggy Stardust is

standing right behind him.)

David Bowie: (His eyes widen.) You're mad!

Jareth: And so are you but you don't see me bitching about that.

David Bowie: (Sighs.) All right. Come along Ziggy.

(Two years later (That's how long it'll take him to get out of there with Ziggy

Stardust at his side.) we have: "The Ziggy Stardust 2002 project")

--------------

In a message dated 10/8/00 4:27:35 AM Pacific Daylight Time, writes:

3) What if all of the laby-fans and Bowie-fans wished Iman away out of

jealousy (who would go to solve the labyrinth to get her back??)

What if: Iman wished away:

(They gather in a chat room to discuss it.)

Jareth: Well, SOMEONE has to go through The Labyrinth. And I seriously mean that.

This woman's driving me up the wall over here.

Labyrinth listain: I'm not going!

BowieNetter: Well, if you're not going, I'm not going.

Labyrinth listian 2: Well, why isn't David Bowie going?

Teenagewildlifer that mysteriously calls himself "Sailor": Maybe he has his reasons...

The fans: (Stare at this one suspiciously saying nothing for a very long moment.)

Teenagewildlifer that mysteriously calls himself "Sailor": Please, don't make me go,

she's menstruating again. I don't want to die!

--------------------------

In a message dated 10/8/00 4:27:35 AM Pacific Daylight Time, writes:

4) what would Jareth do if he found out that some weird person decided to

make a sequel to Labyrinth starring Michael Jackson as the King?

News reporter: And in other news, the body of a man strikingly resembling David

Bowie was found on the pavement of a down town high rise. Apparently the man's death

has been ruled as suicide....

"I say he should watch his ass, my friend,

Don't listen to the crowd say- 'Jump!'"- The song Jump they say, by David Bowie,

1993.

---------------

In a message dated 10/8/00 8:51:31 PM Pacific Daylight Time, CarlaInverse3 writes:

I got one for you Raven. Have you ever seen Tiny Toons?? Well, what if Jareth, in

owl form, flew into Acme Acres for some strange reason, say he took a wrong turn at

Alburquerque. ((::Slacks herself for the horrible pun and contonues.)) Then accendently

got caught by Elmyra?

~Carla

--------------

What if: Jareth in Tiny Toon adventures:

Jareth: (In the form of the barn owl- he perches on to the tree branch over looking the

little girl's house. He sits, trying to figure out where the Hell he is. Before Jareth realizes

what has happened a net falls down on top of him. He flaps his wings frantically, trying

to get away.)

Elmyra: (Comes running up to the little barn owl, struggling, tangled in the net.) Oowe!

My very own Barney owly-wowly. (Grabbing up the defenseless owl in the net, she

begins to squeeze and hug him tightly.) I'm gonna love you, hug you and squeeze you to

itsy-bitsy pieces forever and ever and ever, and ever.

Jareth: (still in the form of the barn owl. Gives off a desperate screech.)

Elmyra: Such a pretty birdy.

Jareth: (Quickly taking his true form.)

Elmyra: (Having been squeezing the barn owl is now dangling, her arms wrapped tightly

around Jareth's neck.

Jareth: (Shoves Elmyra off of him.)

Elmyra: (Clearly confused.) Where'd the pretty birdy go?

Jareth: Never mind about the owl. Just where the Hell am I?

Elmyra: You're at my house, you silly-willy.

Jareth: (Sighs and rolls his eyes.) Yes, but what is the name of this town?

Elmyra: I won't tell you unless you give me back the birdy.

Jareth: Would you just shut up about the owl, already.

Elmyra: (Looks as if she might cry, her entire expression exaggerated.)

Jareth: All right, if you tell me where I am, I'll give you something even more cute and

cuddly to play with.

Elmyra: Promise?

Jareth: Yes.

Elmyra: Okay. You're in Acme Acres, of course.

Jareth: Thank you. (Disappears, leaving Ludo in his place.)

Elmyra: (As she runs up and hugs Ludo.) Owe, big teddy!

Ludo: (Gives off a loud howl of despair.)

------------

In a message dated 10/9/00 12:14:29 AM Pacific Daylight Time, A Lurker writes:

Hmm- what would happen? The only Underground doc I know of is Talius, so you'd

have to use him. Can you write this one? With Talius? Don't disclose my name, btw.

Say this was from "a lurker."

-----------------

Now, this one was suggested to me by someone whom had asked to remain

anonymous and I respect those requests from the lurkers. This one is a What if Jareth

were to have fallen ill and the only doctor in The Underground was Talius, but I know

almost nothing of this character or of his originations. And I would not like to take too

many liberties with a character of someone else's design, so this is just going to be a

What if Jareth became ill and I'll just see what comes of it.

-------------------------------------

What if Jareth were ill:

Jareth: (Sneezes and a burst of uncontrolled magick flies as of from no where, hitting a

near by goblin, turning his brown fur pink.)

Other goblins: (Laugh at that one.)

Jareth: (Moans slightly as leans back in the throne.) How the Hell did "I" manage to get

ill?

Random Goblin: Maybe you should see a doctor.

Random Goblin 2: Duh. I think there's a med. school student listian.

Jareth: No! No! That is out of the question! I am not trusting a listian with my health!

(There is a sudden pounding at the castle door.)

Random Goblin 3: (Answers it and returns to the throne room with a teenaged girl at it's

side.) Master, there's someone here to see you.

The girl: Yeah, you asked for a doctor from the list? You know we're the only ones who

would fondle... I mean examine you for free, Jareth. So what seems to be the problem?

Random Goblin 4: He's sick.

The girl: Well, we've known that for years. But what's the matter?

Jareth: I think I would rather take my chances with a goblin physician.

The girl: Nope, sorry. I can't let you do that. The listians wouldn't be able to forgive me

if I let their favourite king die.

Jareth: I am NOT dying!

The girl: Well, your reputation is. Have you read those "What if" things?

Jareth: (Groans.)

The girl: Well, anyway. I'm going to need to listen to some music while I examine you.

It helps ease the tension off a bit. (She pulls out of her knapsack a small cassette player.

And turns it on. The song Dancing in The Streets starts, being performed by Mick Jagger

and David Bowie.)

Jareth: Ugh! Now, I am going to be ill. (Pales and rushes from the room. You can

faintly hear him vomiting still from the throne room.)

The girl: What? The song's not THAT bad! Anyway, at least it's not the music video

clip to it! (Going after Jareth.) If you were to watch the music video clip to David Bowie

and Mick Jagger's version of Dancing in the streets they almost kiss. Did you know Mick

Jagger's lips are bigger then David Bowie's whole head? And if you play it really slowly

the slow, gelatin like jiggling of Mick Jagger's lips is almost hypnotic.

Jareth: (Vomits again.)

-------------------------

In a message dated 10/9/00 2:52:58 AM Pacific Daylight Time, etavenierhmc-

writes:

What if Jareth starred in the "Blair Witch Project" ?

------------------------------------------------------------

What if Jareth were in The Blair Witch Project:

(Camera is clumsily zoomed in to Jareth's face.)

Jareth: Would you put down that bloody camera, already!

Girl: (Shivering.) I'm so scared.

Jareth: Get that damned thing away from your eye and shut it the f--k off, already! For

God's sake your nose is running, make yourself presentable for the camera.

Girl: (Hears a twig snap.) WHAT WAS THAT? WHAT THE F--K WAS THAT!?!

Jareth: (Patronizingly.) It's called a dear, there are "animals" in the forest, you know,

love.

Girl: We're surrounded! They're all around us! What are we going to do? Oh, God!

Oh, God! Oh, God! What are we going to do?

Jareth: (Cynically.) If you were to put down that bleeding camera it might be easier for

you to make your escape!

Girl: They're coming! THEY'RE COMING! Oh, my God, it's horrible!

(The girl and Jareth break in to a run. The Camera's final shot is of The fire gang tossing

around their own body parts around a campfire.)

Fiery 1: Woah, cool toy.

Fiery 2: Cool, let me see it!

Fiery 3: Not until I'm done first. (Toying with the dropped camera.) Hey, I bet we could

make a really cool rock video with this.

---------------

In a message dated 10/9/00 2:52:58 AM Pacific Daylight Time, etavenierhmc-

writes:

What if some listians decided to threathen Jareth by writing Touch of

Strange 2

---------------

What if Jareth were threatened with A touch of strange 2:

Listian: Don't make me do it, Jareth! I swear, I'll do it.

Jareth: (Cautiously.) Okay, okay. Just put the floppy down.

Listian: I swear, I'll do it!

(Loud sirens are heard.)

Listian: What is that?

Jareth: I've called in The SWAT team to negotiate with you. Just give me the disk

and no one gets hurt.

Listian: You know what our demands are!

Jareth: And my answer is still no!

Listian: I swear, I'll post it! Don't make me do it, Jareth! If you don't do as we say

I'll post it! (Edges towards the computer.)

Jareth: All right, all right! (Sighs, reluctantly.) I'll do it..

(Later that night.)

Jareth: (Mutters to himself ) This is so humiliating. (Climbs the staircase to the top

of the building. With a bullhorn in hand he calls off to the gathered crowd below.) Yes,

it IS a sock!

--------------------------------------------------------------

In a message dated 10/9/00 2:52:58 AM Pacific Daylight Time, etavenierhmc-

writes:

What if Sarah had refused to go through the labyrinth and had declared her

everlasting love to Jareth

--------------------------------------------------------------

What if things were different:

Jareth: (On the hill over looking The Labyrinth, with Sarah.) You have thirteen hours in

which to solve the-

Sarah: (interrupts him.) Wait! I don't want to go through The Labyrinth. I've changed

my mind.

Jareth: (Blinks his eyes.) I beg your pardon?

Sarah: I love you, Jareth. I've always loved you! I want to be your queen!

Jareth: Would you wait right there a moment, Sarah. (Pulls a cellular telephone out of the

folds of his cape and dials out.) Yeah, Jim Henson, this is Jareth. I have a question. The

plot's not going as expected and we're only about twelve minutes in to the film. What

should I do? (There was a pause.) What do you mean stall? How the Hell am I

supposed to. Oh, all right. (Hangs to the telephone.)

Sarah: (Looks at him blankly.)

Jareth: You have to solve The Labyrinth anyway, otherwise we don't get paid.

Sarah: Oh, but that's not fair.

Jareth: You say that so often, I wonder what your basis for comparison is. Oh. God,

you're screwing everything up, I hope you know that. You're making me use up all of my

good catch phrases all at once. Now, go on before you screw up the story anymore then

you already have.

Sarah: (Starts walking down the hill towards The Labyrinth.)

Jareth: (Mutters under his breath.) John Blaylock gets to work with Susan Surandon.

Thomas Jerome Newton gets to work with Candy Clark. But who do I get? I get a dim

witted fifteen-year-old brat!

-----------------------

In a message dated 10/9/00 5:55:56 PM Pacific Daylight Time,

writes:

Ok Now that it Close to Halloween How about Jareth

Meet the Wolfman

What if Jareth were to meet The wolfman:

(In a public library.)

Librarian: Can I help you, sir?

Mr. Talbot: (To the librarian) Yes, I'm looking for books on the occult. For my.

(Dramatic Pause) .Problem.

Librarian: (Stares at him strangely for a moment.) Right this way, follow me. (She leads

him to a back isle of antique books.

Mr. Talbot: (Picks up a small red book.) Hmm. I wonder what this is. (Opens a page

and reads out loud.) "I wish the Goblins would come and take you away. right now."

(At that point he looks up from the book in to an antique mirror hung on the wall.)

(In a burst of glitter and light Mr. Talbot appears in the throne room of Jareth's

castle.)

Mr. Talbot: What? Where. where am I? (Clearly confused.)

Jareth: (Somewhat boredly.) You've been wished away to my castle. I am Jareth, The

Goblin King. And you (Yawns.) belong to me.

Mr. Talbot: (Looks outside at the rising full, crystal blue moon.) I can't stay here! I- I

have to get out!

Jareth: (Raises an eyebrow, gaining interest.) Hmm.. A werewolf. How fascinating.

-------------------------------------------------------

(One month later.)

Faery: Jareth, we need to discuss the treaty between our kingdoms. Your goblins

have been ransacking our villages again!

Jareth: They're goblins! That's what they do!

Faery: (looks at him crossly.)

Jareth: (Rolls his eyes.) All right. Come with me.

Faery: (Walks with Jareth down the hall until they pause. A loud howling is heard

and then the werewolf comes raising down the hall, darting in to the throne room and

begins to hump the throne.)

Jareth: (Sighs.) I've been meaning to have him fixed. I just haven't had the time.

Faery: Is he dangerous?

Jareth: No, no of course not. He's mine and he's- (Interrupted by a loud crunching as

the werewolf devours the Faery)

Faery: (Cries in desperate pain as it dies.)

Jareth: (Finishes his sentence.) .he's only partial to pure faery meat. (Smiles.) And

so ends that political strife. (Pats the werewolf on the head.) Good boy. Keep this up

and I'll give you a new squeaky toy.

------------------

In a message dated 10/10/00 10:41:56 AM Pacific Daylight Time,

saphire_ writes:

Great work J. I have another one for you. What if Jareth Sarha Toby Ludo

Hoggle and Sir Diddymus all went on Jerry Springer? Kepp up the good work.

Thank you. And here you go...

----------------------

What if: Jareth on Jerry Springer:

Jerry Springer: Welcome back. To those who are just joining us. Today's show is

"Goblin kings and the people they seduce." Our first guest tonight. Let's give a round of

applause for Jareth, The Goblin King.

Jareth: (Walks out on to the stage and takes a seat.)

Audience: (Boos, hisses, and shouts obscenities.)

Jerry Springer: Well, they don't seem to like you much, Jay. Now, our second guest is

the last person to attempt solving your Labyrinth, a young girl by the name of Sarah

Williams. Sarah, would you please come out here.

Sarah: (Walks out on to the stage and takes a seat, as far from Jareth as possible. She is

greeted by a mixed response from The Audience.)

Jerry Springer: Now, Sarah, it says here that you were "Tired from a day of house work

and were hurt by the harsh words of your stepmother and when the baby had been

particularly cruel to you, you had called on the goblins for help."

Sarah: That's right I-

Jerry Springer: (Interrupting her.) That's nice. Our next three guests are Hoggle, Ludo

and Sir Dydimous.

(Hoggle, Ludo and Sir Dydimous come out on to the stage and take their seats.)

Sir Dydimous: (Sits atop his "loyal steed")

Hoggle: (Sits down on the chair after needing a bit of help from the security guards to

get on top of the seat.)

Ludo: (Sits down on his chair, which is crushed under his weight, to the ground so he

must stand.)

Jerry Springer: (Reading off of one of the cards. Towards Hoggle.) Now, you have

something you'd like to say to Sarah, Hoggle?

Hoggle: Er. uh.. yeah. (Gets down on one knee in front of Sarah.) Sarah, would you

marry me?

Jareth: WHAT?!? I don't think so, you (Beeped out by the American censors.) You

(beep)ing little (Beep). (He promptly kicks Hoggle across the room.)

Audience: (Chants like a bloodthirsty mob) JERRY! JERRY! JERRY! JERRY!

JERRY! JERRY!

Security guards: (Restrain Jareth and force him back in to his chair.)

Sir Dydimous: (Startled, stumbles off of his loyal steed.)

Ludo: (Reaching down for Sir Dydimous) Ludo get Brother.

Jerry Springer: Oh, and we have a surprise for you too, Ludo.

Ludo: (Stares at him blankly.) Huh? Wha?

Jerry Springer: We have taken the blood tests and have the results right here and you and

Sir Dydimous are NOT actually brothers.

Ludo: (Blankly.) He not?

Jerry Springer: (Shakes his head, cautiously slipping towards the audience for self-

preservation.) No, he's not.

Ludo: (Just stares off, not quite grasping this.)

Jerry Springer: (Seeing that no ratings boosting fight is about to happen he clears his

throat.) Well, Jareth, just why don't you want Hoggle to marry Sarah?

Jareth: For one thing, he is a repulsive little scab in my employ. And second.

(Pleadingly towards Sarah.) I love her.

Audience: (All say "Awwe" at the same time.)

Sarah: Oh, Jareth, I never knew.

Jerry Springer: Well, we've done a little background check on you, Jareth. And it seems

that Sarah is not the only person that you have ever seduced. As a matter of fact we've

invited a few of your ex-lovers here.

Jareth: (Pales.) How many of them?

Jerry Springer: Well, we could only track down a few. (Looks to the audience.) Would

you care to reveal yourselves?

(After a few people are taken away by security for having pulled off their shirts and

trousers Jerry tries yet again.)

Jerry Springer: (To the Audience.) Would anyone here who has been seduced and or

made love to Jareth, The Goblin King please stand up.

The Entire Audience: (EVERYONE, including the camera men stand up and raise their

hands, to Jerry's own surprise even the stage security raise their hands.)

Jareth: (Pressing far back in to his seat.)

Jerry Springer: (Scratches his head.) Wow, I didn't expect that many, even here.

Member of the audience: (To the rest.) Let's get him!

Jareth: (Runs from the room followed by the entire audience, screaming.) You can't do

this to me!

(Soon all that remains is Jerry Springer and one camera.)

Jerry Springer: (Towards the camera.) And now our final thought. If you're the

powerful, shape shifter ruler of an alternate reality and happen to look like a famous

Glam rock icon, it's always good to remember that a relationship is a two way street.

And if a love affair, though charming at first, ends badly it could come back to haunt you

later on.

-----------------

In a message dated 10/9/00 9:31:59 PM Pacific Daylight Time, LdyRose66 writes:

What if the great and arrogant Goblin king found our lovely little chat room? HOW

would he act? What would he say to all of us...especially to the one who plays himself! or

his wife! Would he take action? Thanks you

Christine

What if Jareth were to discover

The America online Labyrinth Role Playing game:

(A crowd of people appear in the castle throne room. These are the players of the

America Online Labyrinth Role Playing game.)

Jareth: (Stepping towards me.) What the Hell is all this?

Myself: I can explain! It wasn't my idea, I was asked to organize this game!

Jareth: All right, all right. I "may" take that in to consideration. However. (Steps over

towards Christine.) Why the Hell am I married to a pyromaniac, half breed elfin Queen?

Christine: Maybe you hold a flame for her?

The crowd: (Groans at the pun.)

Christine: Perhaps she lights up your life.

Jareth: Ugh!

Myself: It was probably for political purposes, you wanted to rule both The Underground

and Blackrose.

Jareth: All right, that seems like the sort of thing that I would do.

Christine: That's not true! You know he loves her!

Myself: (Through gritted teeth to Christine.) Shut up.

Bree: I want to know once and for all if it's a sock~

Myself: Bree, I've already told you what it is.

Bree: I know but I want to hear him say it.

Jareth: It's not a sock! You people are mad!

Sarah: And you didn't realize this? Of course we're mad.

Bree: We've considered mailing David Bowie our therapy bills but now that we know for

certain that you are real we think we'll send them to you instead.

Eric: We? And just how many personalities do you have in there?

Bree: Not as many as Raven.

Raven: they're not personalities. they're. they're.. Well, I'm only "Borrowing" them!

Sean: I want to know once and for all.

Jareth: And what is that?

Sean: (Whispers in Jareth's ear.) Is Christine really an elf? I mean, just look at her ears.

Jareth: (looks over at Christine.) Hmm..

Sarah: You know, I think I'd rather be in The man who fell to Earth. (Pulls a small gun

out of her knapsack.)

Myself: PUT THAT THING AWAY! You are NOT acting out "The gun scene" with

Jareth!

Jareth: Is that thing loaded?

Myself: Oh, don't worry, she's just obsessed with The man who fell to Earth. It's only

loaded with blanks. (Glares at Sarah.) And you promised to leave that in your closet!

Sarah: (laughs hysterically and pulls the trigger, the gun aimed at the room's roof.)

Tom: (Screams, having as usual, not paid attention, and did not realize it was loaded with

blanks.) EVERYONE GET DOWN!

About half the group: (Flattens themselves against the floor, having listened to him.)

Myself: Would you get up! I'm your leader, not him! (Steps over to Sarah, pulling the

gun away from her.) Give me that! They'll be no gratuitous, graphic alien to human S

and M love making scenes here.

Jareth: Oh, so now you do accept responsibility for this lot?

Myself: No, you must have heard wrong. The shot must have been a little too close to

your ears, Jareth.

Sarah: (Walks over to the nearest window and stares off in to the sky searching for

UFOs, believing she saw Thomas Jerome Newton some how, she cries out.) TAKE ME

WITH YOU!

Bree: Forget the aliens, I want a vampire. Does Lestat frequent here?

Myself: (Mutters.) Jareth and Lestat, this universe is not big enough for those egos.

Tom: Why have Lestat when you could have me? (Begins to flex his muscles.)

Myself: (walks over to Tom and smacks him.) Would you STOP trying to seduce the

entire cast!

Tom: But you know I AM gorgeous!

Myself: And somehow we voted that you were TOO arrogant and annoying to play

Jareth.

Jareth: (Blinks his eyes.) He's more narcissistic then I am!

Myself: (The gun accidentally goes off in my hand, startling a goblin that was sitting

near Sarah on the window ledge, causing him to tumble out the window.)

Christine: Oh, my God! You've just killed Bob, The Goblin!

Sean: You bastard!

Monique: (Steps over to Sarah, her My little pony doll in hand.) You're looking for

Tommy?

Sarah: (Still staring off in to space.) Uh, hu.

Monique: Well, I have Thomas Jerome Pony! (Waves around her little blue My little

pony doll.)

Sarah: Oh, he's cute. but. I want the real thing.

Myself: (Smacks my own forehead.)

Bree: You should never have told her about that movie, Raven.

Myself: Yes, but I didn't think she'd actually like it let alone become obsessed with it.

NO ONE likes it!

Bree: Well, apparently she does.

Myself: Sarah, please listen to me. (Half pleading.) Thomas Jerome Newton was a

character in a science fiction novel that was made in to a movie, he's NOT real!

Sarah: (Looks as if she might cry.) He. He's not?

Bree: Oh, now you've done it! Raven, why do you have to be so cruel and dash her

dreams like that? You did that to me about LaCroix.

Myself: Bree, LaCroix was from a Canadian television program, infringing on Anne

Rice's vampire Chronicles. He was a rip off of Lestat!

Jessica, the other Sara and Mary: Lestat! Where? WHERE?!?

Tom: (Gestures to himself.) Right here!

The whole group and Jareth: (To Tom) SHUT UP!

Danni: Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

Monique and myself: What is it?

Danni: I know Danny Elfman's home telephone number! (Squeals and then faints.)

Myself: Well, that was unexpected...

Jareth: (Looks around.) Where did the other Sarah go?

Bree: I think she's finally been abducted by aliens.

Myself: Well, good for her!

Mary: I wonder if they probed her.

Jen: Agh! Alien probings! (She shudders lightly.)

Bree: Oh, you don't know Sarah. She'd like that.

Jareth: I'm getting a headache! That does it! Just go home! Go home, all of you!

Bree: But we can't leave! What about Sarah?

Myself: The aliens have Sarah, forget Sarah! She'll find her own way home. She always

does. Come on!

Jareth: (Waves his hand and all the role players appear in their homes where they belong,

in front of their computers.)

Myself: (Goes back to typing.) Well, that was fun.

Jareth: (Sighs and sits back on his throne, rubbing his temples. Suddenly a loud shot is

heard, then another, and another followed by insane laughter.) What the Hell!?!

(Rushes over to the window. He sees, out the window and just above the castle is a UFO.

Another loud shot is heard as Jareth slams shut the window.)

---------------------

In a message dated 10/9/00 10:19:40 PM Pacific Daylight Time, Dot E 2286 writes:

Hi, I love these! (even though you used all recycled material for my first suggestion)

Anyway, here's one that could be really scary: What if Jareth were elected president?

What if Jareth were President of The USA:

------------------------(The election)--------------------

American Voter 1: (Reading flier.) "Vote for Jareth, The Goblin King for your next

president of The USA"?

American Voter 2: Is he even American?

INS Official: (Gazing in a crystal sphere that he had been mysteriously given.) He is

now.

American Voter 1: (Still reading the flier.) "The owl vote is the only way to vote".

(Notices an owl sketch on the flier.) Why do I have the distinct feeling this .er..

candidate isn't a Republican?

---------------------------(In the news.)----------------

Reporter: The polls are coming in. And statistically Jareth is in the lead. He would

have ninety percent of the American voters in his back pocket if fifteen-year-old girls

were allowed to vote.

------------------------ (The campaign: Press conference:.)-----------------

Jareth: (In front of the podium.) And for every vote for me I promise a free enchanted

peach in every home. I promise also to lower the voting age to fifteen. Also any man

who wishes to have sexual relations with a woman under the age of sixteen won't be

arrested for statutory rape.

---------------------------(Later in the news.)----------------

Reporter: And in other news, famed conservative and advocate in the fight for

wholesome ideals, and music censorship, to protect the youth of America, Al Gore's Wife

has gone missing.

-------------------------(Somewhere in The Labyrinth.)--------------

Mrs. Gore: (In an oubliette.) SOMEONE HELP ME!

---------------------------- (The election.)-----------

Other candidate: That's not fair, all those people voting are goblins.

Former president: No they're not! They're American citizens.

Other Candidate: (Mutters.) How can you tell the difference?

---------------------(As President.)--------------------

(Jareth's acts as The American president.)

10. Have David Bowie deported.

9. Lower the voting age to fifteen.

8. Remove the law against sexual relationships with people under the age of sixteen.

7. Supply all voters with free enchanted peaches.

6. Make it appropriate to play with one's balls in public. ...No, the crystal ones!

5. Have the listians committed to an asylum.

4. Drop opponents and all conservatives in to The Bog of Eternal stench.

3. Have Labyrinth Re-released in to the cinema.

2. Build a giant maze outside of the white house.

1. Seduce young interns. (Some things never change.)

---------------------

In a message dated 10/10/00 10:51:12 AM Pacific Daylight Time,

writes:

Dear all what-if fans...

I like these things, but haven't got time to write one yet, so, 'JTheGoblinKing', let's see

what you do with this little scenario:

WHAT IF: Sarah was in the ballroom, and having decided to confess her love to Jareth,

puckered up for a big sloppy wet one... only to look deep into those mismatched eyes to

realise that Jareth was played by Michael Jackson, not David Bowie (cue chins and noses

melting in the candle heat...) After failing to break the crystal dome with the chair, she

realises to her mortal dismay that Jareth has gone bald, all the goblin masks have come to

life and are running for the cappuccino for a caffeine fix, and all the other dancers have

become tiny toon-esque market stall sellers, offering her one tasty spoonful of either firey

or apple pie with lashings of cream and custard on the condition that she has a lemon

meringue throwing contest with marge simpson in the middle of the ballroom. Oh, and

the entire thing is filmed in Blair-witch style by Iman, shortly after Bowie wished her

away following immense persuasion at the hands of the listians...

get your teeth into that then!!

Although I may not contribute, I pay attention; so you see, I'm the Queen of lurkers...

Peaches,

Becky xx

----------------------------------------------

What if: Chaos:

Iman: (Holding a shaking hand held video camera in front of herself.) As strange as this

is, I am Iman, and I am live here in his er. this. ball room of some sort, covering.

(Looks down and then starts to whine.) DAAAVIIID, this dress makes me look fat!

David Bowie: (His voice is heard.) Just keep going and The Listians promise they won't

kill you.

Iman: (Pouts.) fine.(Holds the hand held video camera towards two dancers.)

Dancer 1: (Appears to be Jareth.)

Dancer 2: (Is Sarah Williams.)

Sarah: (Leans in to kiss what she believes is Jareth and then retracts.) You're not.

You're not.

Michael Jackson: (The dancer is revealed to be Michael Jackson.) That's right, baby.

Hehe. (Grabs his crotch, wearing his one white glove over his hand.) Now, where's that

adorable baby brother of yours.

Iman: (Still watching them from behind the hand held video camera.) Dear God!

David Bowie: (Voice is heard.) Just keep it rolling, love, you're doing fine.

Sarah: (Runs to the wall and tries to shatter the glass. Screaming) SOMEONE HELP

ME.

Michael Jackson: Awe, what's wrong, baby. (Has gone bald somehow and the goblin

masks have come to life, dancing around him.)

The masks: (Moaning like the undead) We want coffee. Coffee. Coffee. Coffee!

Ballroom dancer: (Holding an animation still.) Would you like to buy an original still of

Buster Bunny?

Ballroom dancer 2: Buster Bunny, nothing. I have a Scooby Doo!

Ballroom dancer 1: Would you like a nice tasty spoonful of fried Firey?

Ballroom dancer 3: What about some nice hot American style Apple Pie, darling?

Ballroom dancer 4: Would you like ice cream or custard with that?

Ballroom dancer 5: WAIT!

(Other ballroom dancers look at this one blankly.)

Ballroom dancer 5: She can only have that under the condition that she wins a lemon

meringue throwing contest with Marge Simpson. (Points to Marge Simpson who is

standing in the middle of the ball room.)

Iman: (Moves the camera quickly from Sarah to Marge, Sarah to Marge and finally back

to Sarah. Everything starts to go blurry)

------------------- (In a bed.)-------------------

Iman: (Wakes up with a start. Looks from left to right. She quickly realizes that it had all

been a dream. She starts to wonder what had awoken her.)

David Bowie: (Laying beside her, snoring rather loudly.)

Iman: (Smacks him with a pillow.)

David Bowie: (Wakes up with a start.) What?!? Huh? What? Did BowieNet Crash?

What is it?

Iman: I don't know how but this is all YOUR fault! (Turns over and goes back to sleep.)

David Bowie: (Shrugs and goes back to sleep.)

(At the foot of the bed rests a small video camera stained in custard.)

-----------------------

In a message dated 10/10/00 6:31:21 PM Pacific Daylight Time,

writes:

Ok what If Chucky the Killer doll Got wish to the

Layrinth

PS i love the Wolfman what if

Thank you.

---------------------------------------------

What if Jareth were in Child's play:

Jareth: (Sitting idly in the throne when a small doll lands on the throne room floor. He

stands up and walks over to it. Picking the doll up in his hands.) What is this? Some

child has wished away their toy? (He smiles just slightly at the notion.)

Chucky: (The doll.) Hi, I'm Chucky, wanna plaayy?

Jareth: (Losing interest quickly in the toy.) Ugliest damned doll I've ever seen, I could

tell you that much.

Chucky: (Springs to life and lunges at Jareth with a cleaver that it was somehow hiding.)

(A few seconds later the doll's scream is heard.)

Chucky: What the f--k!?! (Splat! He lands right in the bog of eternal stench.)

----------------------- (Several years and a dozen B horror films later.)-------------

Andy Barkley: Do you smell that?

New potential victim of the killer doll: Ugh. God! What is that awful smell?

Small child: (Watching the doll walk down the hall with a knife in it's hand.) Mummy, I

want that doll that soils himself.

Chucky: F--k you!

--------

In a message dated 10/10/00 6:53:37 PM Pacific Daylight Time, Danithekid writes:

Jareth were "Lord of the vampires"

Not even bothering with the full sentences anymore, are you, Danni? Okay, I'll give

this a try.

----------------------

What if Jareth were not The Goblin King

But the vampire King:

Jareth: (Grabs the man with the long blond hair and shoves him away from the mirror.)

It's MY turn, Lestat, you've been hogging that all morning.

Lestat: (Of Anne Rice's vampire chronicles.) Oh, come on, I have to finish brushing out

my hair!

Louis: (of Interview with the vampire.) if he's the brat prince does that mean that he's

your son, Jareth?

Jareth: Not bloody likely!

Claudia: (Of Interview with the vampire.) (Plays dolls with Divia (of Forever Knight) it's

extremely difficult to tell the two characters a part because Divia was a rip off of

Claudia.)

Radu: (of Subspecies.) My mother wants the blood stone.

John Blaylock: (of The Hunger.) You're mother looks like a bloody stone.

Lestat: And your mother was stoned.

John Blaylock: Hey, what did you just say about my mother? At least I don't have an

incestrial infatuation with my mum!

Lestat: (Growls.) Just what are you implying about my mother?

John Blaylock: Oh, nothing. nothing at all, why not just ask LaCroix's daughther what

she wanted from her Daddy? It's basically what you want from your mum. "Mother,

daughter, lover, why not all three?".

Lestat: (Gets ready to pounce and kill John Blaylock but Jareth grabs his shoulder.)

Jareth: (Whispers to Lestat.) He's only like this because his lover left him for another

woman.

Lestat: Oh. (Nods, just slightly sympathetically but then laughs.) God, he must have

been a bad f--k then.

John Blaylock: (half sobs.) I know I shouldn't have said that. I'm sorry. That was

awful. But I really did love Miriam. How could she do that to me?

Blade: (of Blade the vampire hunter.) Miriam? That's my mother's name. (Grabs John

Blaylock by his collar.) Have you seen her?. Where is she? Where's my mother?

David: (From Lost Boys.) I think she's over there. (Points out the window.)

Blade: MOTHER! (Leaps out the window.)

David: Well, that takes care of that.

Dracula: (Of Dracula.) Jay, vould it be all right if I brought some guests for dinner?

Jareth: (Mockingly.) Vould you be villing to drop the accent?

Lucian LaCroix: (of Forever knight.) Jareth, you have an entire army of vampires when

can we take over Canada. I mean the world?

Nicholas Knight (of Forever Knight.) and Louis: (Sit brooding.)

Angel: (of Buffy The vampire Slayer and Angel.) (Watching Nicholas Knight and Louis,

he joins in the reluctant vampire brooding festival.)

Barnabas Collins: (of Dark Shadows.) (Also joins in the brooding.)

Armand: (Of Anne Rice's vampire Chronicles.) My God! They're so. so..

Jareth: Boring?

John Blaylock: Dull?

Armand: I would have used the word clich‚. I mean- the brooding vampire, that's more

clich‚ then capes and castles.

Dracula: (Glares at him.)

Morbius: (of Morbius the living vampire) (Mutters.) I can't believe my series was

dropped by Marvel comic books.

Dracula: (To Morbius.) Maybe if you weren't so damned clich‚!

Morbius: You created the clich‚!

Dracula: That doesn't mean you can't be original!

Jareth: All right, the next vampire to brood about all of his guilt, lost love, and what not

gets to be dipped head first in to The Bog of Eternal Stench!

John Blaylock: Well, I know I'm young again but.(begins to sulk) I was dumped for a

woman! My God, I didn't think I was THAT bad in bed.

Jareth: That does it! (Steps over to John Blaylock but then pauses.)

Spike: (of Buffy the vampire slayer.) (Still denying that he's American.) Well, what the

bloody Hell are you waiting for, mate? (To Jareth.) Throw the bloke in to the bloody

Bog of Eternal Stench already.

Drucilla: (of Buffy the vampire Slayer) (Hangs off of Spike's arm.)

Jareth: I can't!

Spike: Why not?

Jareth: Because he looks too much like me, that's why! (calls over to Lestat) LESTAT,

WOULD YOU STOP HOGGING THE BLASTED MIRROR!

---------------------

In a message dated 10/10/00 11:23:52 PM Pacific Daylight Time,

lady_ writes:

I thought of one! What if: Sarah's father had forgotten his wallet and he

and Karen came back just as Sarah was pleading with Jareth to give Toby

back. ;)

---------------------

What if Sarah's father had come back, having forgotten his keys:

Jareth: (To Sarah.) It's a crystal, nothing more, but if you turn it this way and look in to

it, it'll show you your dreams, but this is not a gift for an ordinary girl who takes care of a

screaming baby. Do you want it?

(Suddenly the bedroom door opens and Sarah's father steps inside the room.)

Sarah's father: (Before he realizes what is going on.) I forgot my keys- (He suddenly

sees Jareth.) What in the world? Sarah!?! What is going on here? (Then her father's eyes

go wide. He recognizes what he believes is a rock star.) Oh, My God! I've gotta call the

press. A Glam Rock Star is trying to seduce my daughter! My God!

Jareth: (Winces at the thought of being confused with David Bowie.) I believe that you

must have me confused with my Earthly. counterpart, sir. I am Jareth, the goblin

king.(Said with a habitual bow of politeness.)

Sarah's father: Yeah, right. And I'm The Queen of England. You're nothing but a has-

been rock star with Tina Turna's hair!"

Jareth: (Grits his teeth and represses his anger.) Would you like for me to show you

something? (Tosses the crystal ball that he had materialized in his hand at Sarah's father.)

Sarah's father: (Catches it in his hands.) What is it?

Jareth: (yet again.) It's a crystal, nothing more, but if you turn it and look in to it, it will

show you your dreams. I had come here to offer that to your daughter in exchange for

her baby brother that she had wished away but apparently I have to change my plans

here. Do you want it?

Sarah's Father: (Staring in to the crystal, seeing dreams that only he can see.)

Jareth: Then forget the baby.

---------------------(Later that night.)-----------------------

Police officer: (To Mrs. Williams.) So your husband traded your son for a. glass ball?

Mr. Williams: (As he is being handcuffed.) Crystal! It's a crystal ball! (As he's being

dragged off by two other police officers.) And it can show you your dreams!

Police officer: (To, Mrs. Williams.) Don't worry. We'll see that he's well taken care of

at the mental institution.

----------------------(At the asylum.)--------------

Psychiatrist: I see, so a famous Glam rock musician broke in to your house, stole your

son and started to play with his balls?

Sarah's father: Yes, that's' right. And then he offered me one of his balls.

Psychiatrist: I see, and did he want you to feel his balls?

Sarah's father: Well, he did hold it out to me after he was done playing with it.

Psychiatrist: I see, so he held "It" out to you, and did you want "It".

Sarah's father: Yes, inside of it were my dreams.

Psychiatrist: I see. (Writes down on his note pad. Written on the note pad: "Repressed

homosexual desires.")

------------

In a message dated 10/11/00 1:28:13 AM Pacific Daylight Time,

writes:

What If, Sailor Moon and the

Sailor Scouts, rescued Toby while Sarah was dazed in the trash?

----------------------

Sailor Moon in The Labyrinth:

Jareth: (Holding Toby.) Well, he's a lively little chap. I think I'll call him Jareth. He's

got my eyes.

(Sailor Moon and the Sailor scouts appear.)

Sailor Moon: I'm Sailor Moon, Champion of justice! And on behalf of the moon, I shall

punish you!

Jareth: Think again, little girl. (Throws a crystal at her. As it shatters she is hit with a

jolt of magick that causes her to tumble back in to the wall.)

Sailor Moon: I think I'm going to need a little help.

Other Sailor scoots: (Nod and make that "Mmhmm" noise.) Right!

Reni: Never fear, Mini moon and Tuxedo mask are here!

Tuxedo mask: (appearing from the shadows carrying Reni. He throws a rose at Jareth.)

Jareth: (The rose hits him in the chest and then falls to the ground.) A rose? (Laughs.)

You're attacking me with roses? What's next, little pink hearts?

Sailor Mars: Well, so much for Reni's attack.

(Sailor Uranus and Sailor Neptune appear in what looks like a passionate embrace,

kissing.)

Sailor Neptune: (Bad American dubbing.) Thank you for giving me mouth to mouth like

that, I was drowning you know.

Sailor Uranus: (More bad American dubbing.) No problem, my dear COUSIN, you are

like a SISTER to me but that's ALL we are!

Jareth: (Groans and walks away with Toby in his arms toward another room.)

Sailor Moon: Hey! Wait! Where are you going?

Jareth: Away from you, at least until the American censors develop A BACK BONE!

-------------------

In a message dated 10/11/00 8:06:46 PM Pacific Daylight Time,

writes:

I have a crazy what if idea ... What if a listian came running into

Jareth's throne room, but totally suprised him by actually acting sane?

I doubt highly that could happen:

Listian: (A sane listian appears before Jareth.)

(Meanwhile somewhere in Hell.)

The Devil: (Slips on a patch of ice.)

--------------

In a message dated 10/12/00 11:50:02 AM Pacific Daylight Time, Dot E 2286

writes:

What if: Lestat and Jareth fight over Louis because because, without

thinking about the consequences, (what else is new) Lestat wished him

away--and Jareth doesn't want to give him back.

I actually wrote this as an unfinished Labyrinth fan fiction quite a

long time ago.

What if Lestat in The Labyrinth:

Lestat: (He sits in a park reading his own book.) 'I am the vampire Lestat. I am

immortal. More or less. The light of the sun, the intense heat of a fire- these things might

kill me but then again they might not. I am six feet tall which was fairly impressive in

the 1780's but it's..." (Pauses to admire his own reflection in the pond. He turns and

looks to his dog, Mojo.) God, I'm beautiful, aren't I Mojo?

Mojo: (Simply looked at him.)

Lestat: That's Okay. You don't have to answer. I KNOW I'm

gorgeous. I think I look better then David Bowie when he was young. Wouldn't you say

so?

Barn owl: (Watching all of this, by now agitated and yearning to peck at the blond

vampire.)

(A clock chimes Six AM.)

Lestat: Oh, no, Mojo, it's nearly dawn, come on boy. (Runs down the

street followed by the dog.)

Mojo: (Stops and sniffs the air. Something smells a great deal like rubber, leather and

hair spray and for once it wasn't coming from his master. It came from the owl that was

flying above them. leaps for the owl and grabbed it between his teeth. He begins to play

with the helpless creature in his it about as if fighting a tug of war

opponent. He wagged his tail with his prize in his mouth.)

Armand, Louis, and David Talbot: (Standing in the foyer, all very tired and angry with

Lestat.)

David: Lestat, it's nearly dawn. You are late. You know I ask you only to baby-sit Louis

if it doesn't interfere with your plans.

Louis: Watch me? I thought I had to watch him? Wasn't he the one that thought he had

seen God after feeding off of a drug dealer?!?

Armand: Shhh. He has to think that we think he's still sane. Now you watch him and we

only tell him that he's watching you while David and I go out tomorrow evening.

Lestat: Umm Guys... Guys... Hello!

The rest: (Turned to Lestat)

Lestat: I'm still IN the room!

David: Oh, so sorry. We were so used to your "condition" that we had forgotten that

now you CAN hear us.

Lestat: (Storms away to his room.) I can't do anything right. I can't even go to Hell,

as my girl friend asked right.

(In the back garden on the dirt and urine covered mound (I'm so

cruel.) the battered owl climbed to the surface and transformed in to a

handsome man warring a black cape with spiked and feathered, shoulder length

blond hair. )

Jareth: Soon... Soon I shall have what I want from you, Lestat. (Grins

evilly for a moment before breaking in to hysterical, malicious laughter and

then stopping short realizing that he desperately... needed a bath.)

Lestat: (Waking up the following evening.)

Armand: (Knocks on Lestat's bed room door.)

Lestat: (Throws his novel about himself at the door.) Go away, Armand! (realizes

that he throws his OWN book and runs to get it. Kissing the cover as he places it back on

to the shelf:

Armand: (From behind the door.) Your mother... I mean David, so sorry, your Mother

is off at Lilith Fair. David and I have to leave now but we'll be back by dawn. We just

gave Louis a new copy of the film The Company of wolves, he should be drifting off to

sleep soon. Watch over him. Don't let him near any matches. This place legally belongs

to Anne and we can't burn THIS home down.

David: (With Armand.) We shall talk when I return.

Lestat: Suuuure you want to talk to me. Couldn't even speak using telepathy, don't even

use telekinesis to open the door! (Sulks. Looks at his prescription bottle of Viagra on his

dresser, still sealed. At first he thought it has been tampered with Then he notices that

his book of matches were missing.) Louis! (Runs from the room and in to Louis' room.)

You're starting fires gain, I hate that, I hate that! I hate that! I hate that! ....but I love

you.. (Grabs the matches away from Louis.)

Louis: (Looks at him for a moment but then walks over to the window.) Do you want me

to tell you the story of my life?

Lestat: No! I don't want to hear THAT again. Do you want me to tell YOU a story for

once? Once upon a time there was a very, very, BEAUTIFUL vampire who's fledgling

always made him stay home with the pyromaniac. And the pyromaniac was a depressing,

spoiled, vampire who always wanted to burn down the house himself, but what no one

knew was that the king of the goblins had fallen in love with the very, very, very

BEAUTIFUL vampire and he had given him special powers.."

Louis: What, a "super ego"?

Lestat: (Glares at him.) And so finally after a night of hard feeding the very, very, very

BEAUTIFUL vampire called on the goblins for help. Say your right words, the goblins

said and we'll take the pyromaniac away forever and ever and turn him in to a fifty-three

year old David Bowie look a like.

Louis: (Shudders.)

Lestat: I know. Scary, isn't it?

Louis: Yes, very.

Louis: (Quickly grabs a lighter and sets fire to the curtains. He watched the "pretty

flames' as Lestat quickly put the fire out using the extinguisher that David Talbot kept

within easy access just in case.)

Lestat: Oh, stop it! I'll say the words. I'll say them. Do you want me to?

Louis: Go a head. This should be interesting.

Goblin 1: Did she...I mean he say it?

Goblin 2: Shh, listen.

Goblin 3: She.. I mean he's going to say the words.

Lestat: I can bear it no longer...

Goblin 1: Did she.. I mean he say it?

Lestat: Goblin king, Goblin king, where ever you may be take this pyromaniac far away

from me.

Goblin 2: Oh, that's not it. Where'd she... I mean he learn that rubbish?

Louis: (Grabs a blowtorch at that moment of distraction.

Lestat: (Grabbed this away from Louis and hits him over the head with it.) Oh, stop it. I

wish I knew what to say to make the goblins come and take you away. I wish... I wish the

goblins would come and take YOU away.... right now!

(In a flash of white light Louis was gone.)

Lestat: (Blinks his eyes.) Louis? Louis, are you there? Why aren't you starting fires or

whining?

Jareth: (Appears.)

Lestat: You're... You're a fan aren't you?

Jareth: No, you fool. I am Jareth, The Goblin King!

Lestat: Oh, I knew that.

Jareth: Sure you did.

Lestat: (Whining.) I did. I mean it. Really. I did know who

you were, really, I did.

Jareth: Riiiiight.

Lestat: Really!

Jareth: Sure, yes. I believe you.

Lestat: No really...

Jareth: Everyone knows me. I'm world renowned I'm a king. I'm king of the

goblins.

Lestat: Well I'm... I'm.. Lestat de Lioncourt, the brat prince.

Jareth: (Laughs at him.)

Lestat: Please, if it's all the same to you, I want my Louis back.

Jareth: Lestat, go back to your room, play with your hair and your... self, forget about the

pyro. Lestat, I've brought you a gift.

Lesat: A gift for me. What is it? What is it? Is it something with MY face on it. Let me

see, let me see!

Jareth: (Holds out a crystal ball.) It's a crystal, nothing more but when you turn it this

way and look in to it will show you-

Lestat: (Interrupting.) My reflection. God, I love myself. If I were gay I'd love me....

Wait a moment....

Jareth: No, you fool! And if you turn it this way and look in to it. It will show you your

dreams.

Lesat: A special about ME on VH1?

Jareth: But this is not a gift for an ordinary sexually aggressive vampire who takes care of

a whining pyromaniac. Do you want it?

Lestat: (whimpers.) You called me ordinary. Wahhah!

Jareth: Then forget the pyro.

Lestat: I can't, don't you understand that I can't? He must be so confused.

Jareth: He always is. (Suddenly the crystal in his hand turned in to a snake.) Lestat, don't

defy me. (He throws the snake at Lestat.)

Lestat: (Catches it and feeds off of it.) Is that the best that you can do?

(Throws the corpse of the snake back at Jareth.)

Jareth: (Ducks as the snake hits the wall.) Lestat, don't defy me.

Lestat: No, YOU don't defy me. Now, where is he?

Jareth: (Points out the window and in to another dimension, beyond a great and

seemingly infinite maze there was a great white castle.) He's there at my castle. Do you

still want to look for him?

Lestat: (Grabs his head.) Oh, my God! What was in that snake's

blood?

--------------------

In a message dated 10/14/00 5:04:48 AM Pacific Daylight Time,

writes:

What if.... we got the goblins hooked on speed, imagine the fireys actually,

no I dont't want to imagine the fireys!

-------------

What if The Goblins and firies were on speed:

Jareth: (Appears before Sarah)

Sarah: You're him, aren't you? You're the goblin king.

Jareth: (Falls to his knees, half sobbing in front of Sarah.) I don't want to go back!

Please don't make me go back! I can't stand it. I'm going to go mad. Please. I'll do

anything you want. Just please don't make me go back THERE!

----------( Later that night.)---------------------

Sarah: Daddy, this is Jareth, he's going to be living in my room. Okay?

Sarah's Stepmother: (Stares blankly at Jareth.)

Sarah's Father: (To Sarah's Stepmother.) You're the one who said she should have dates

at her age.

Sarah's Stepmother: I said dates. I didn't say. Whatever the Hell this is!

----------(At the supper table.)----------------

Sarah's Father: So.. Uhh..umm. Jerry, is it? What do you do? For a living? Do

you have employment?

Jareth: Oh, well, I live in my own little world where I am very nearly omnipotent. I rule

over mindless, screaming and obscene creatures that for the most part had been innocent

children until I had gotten a hold of them. And now most of them are addicted to speed

so I've decided to hide out here for a bit.

Sarah's Stepmother: (Blinks and stares at Jareth blankly.)

Sarah's Father: (Leans over and whispers in her ear) Rock star.

Sarah's Mother: (Nods.) Ah.

Sarah's Father: Do you often choose to sleep in the bedroom of teenaged girls?

Jareth: Do you honestly want me to answer that?

--------------

In a message dated 10/11/00 11:44:50 PM Pacific Daylight Time,

writes:

what if Jareh meet the child like Empes from The

Never ending story

-------------------------------------------------

Jareth and the child-like empress:

The child-like empress: We are all part of a never-ending story.

Jareth: (His head resting in his hand, his elbow on the arm of the throne.) That's truly

fascinating really. Who was it who wished you away again?

The child-like empress: (As mysteriously as a nine year-old-actress can muster.) The

one who wished me away knew my name.

Jareth: So it was a hippie was it?

The child-like empress: (Doesn't answer.)

Jareth: Damn it, "Moonchild" if it was Ziggy Stardust, I'm probably going to be stuck

with you for a long, long time.

---------------------------

In a message dated 10/11/00 9:25:40 PM Pacific Daylight Time,

lady_ writes:

Here's another one: What if instead of what really happened, Sarah never

wished Toby away. Instead, Karen got sick of hearing Sarah recite lines

over and over and over, and finally wished that the goblins would take that

annoying brat away? (This one should include a few scenes) ;)

Okay, I'll give this a try.

--------------

If Sarah were wished away:

Sarah: I can't do anything right, can I?

Sarah's Stepmother: You know, Sarah. I wish the Goblins would come and take

YOU away, right now.

Sarah: (Disappears.)

Jareth: (Appears before Sarah's Stepmother.)

Sarah's Stepmother: Who are you?

Jareth: I am Jareth, The Goblin King.

Sarah's Stepmother: Oh, my God! You're. you're real?

Jareth: I've brought you a gift. (Holds out his hand and in it appears a crystal orb.)

Sarah's Stepmother: What is it?

Jareth: It's a crystal, nothing more. (Rotating it in his hands.) But if you turn it this way.

(The crystal orb spins on the back of his hand.) and look in to it. It'll show you your

dreams. But this is no a gift for an ordinary woman who tolerates an hormonal teenager.

Do you want it?

Sarah's Stepmother: (Staring in to the crystal.)

Jareth: Then forget the teenager.

------------------( Later in The Castle beyond the Goblin City.)----------

Sarah: What do you mean, no one's coming for me? No one's going to try The Labyrinth

for me?

Jareth: That's what I said, love. Believe me, NO ONE wants you back.

Sarah: What about my Stepmother?

Jareth: No.

Sarah: My Father?

Jareth: He wrote out a check to make certain that I keep you.

Sarah: What about my real mother? Did you manage to track her down?

Jareth: Yes, and when she saw me she told me to give you a message.

Sarah: What message might that be?

Jareth: "Well, done, darling!"

-----------------------------------------------

In a message dated 10/16/00 10:41:39 AM Pacific Daylight Time,

.sg writes:

Toby "understood" what happened around him, like Mikey in "Look Who's Talking".

What if: Toby's thoughts about the whole thing:

Sarah: All right, you want a story. Once upon a time-

Toby: (Thoughts) No, I just wanted you to shut up and let me nap in peace.

--------------

Toby: (Thoughts as he's being taken) Help! I'm being abducted by Tina Turna's

wig!

----------------

(Toby during Dance magic.)

Jareth: (Singing)

"I saw my baby, crying hard as babe could cry,

What could I do?

My baby's love had gone

And left my baby blue,

Nobody knew."

Toby: (Thoughts) Say, David, are you certain you're still not taking anything?

----------------

(As Jareth's tossing Toby in the air.)

Toby: Maybe I won't remember any of this. Maybe, I won't need therapy after all..

Hmm, why do I have this strange urge to wear make-up and lots of glitter. .Oh, my

God, my poor, poor impressionable young mind! .Say, this actually isn't so bad.

-----------------------

(As Jareth watches Toby)

Toby: (Belches)

Jareth: You're welcome. Well, he's a lively little chap. I think I'll call him Jareth.

He's got my eyes.

Goblins: (Laughs)

Toby: (Thoughts) I hate to break to this you but no one's got your eyes. And you liked

that so much- just wait until you find out what I've done on your lap.

-----------------------------------

( Toby in the Escher room.)

Toby: (Thoughts) Let's see. I can either go back with her or I can jump off this

staircase thing after that shiny ball thing and maybe break my neck. Wow, what a

choice!

Sarah: Toby!

Toby: (Thoughts) Well, maybe I'll be reincarnated in to something sensible this time.

(Heads for the edge.)

---------------

In a message dated 10/15/00 6:25:45 PM Pacific Daylight Time,

writes:

Titanic today, and an odd thought came into my

demented little brain. What if Cal had wished Jack away? He probably

wouldn't go after him tho... maybe Jareth would get Rose to solve the

labyrinth....

-------------------

(Jack in the goblin city.)

Jack: Just hack it back, like this.

Goblin: Hey, this fellow's all right. He's givin' free spitting lessons in The Goblin

City.

Jack: (Spits and it accidentally hits Jareth.)

Jareth: (Glares at him as he wipes his face.)

Jack: Oopse...

-----------------------

(Jack and Rose in The Labyrinth.)

Jack: (Clinging to a cliff over The Bog of Eternal Stench, Rose is trying to pull him

up.)

Rose: I'll never let go, Jack.

(A loud Splat is heard.)

Jareth: (Watching from a crystal.) What do you know? (Smirks.) She let go.

Rose: (Holding her nose.) Ummm.... Jack?

Jack: (Staggering out of The Bog of Eternal Stench) Yes, Rose?

Rose: Maybe we should just be friends after all.

Jareth: (Appearing at a safe distance away from The Bog of Eternal Stench.) Well,

Leonardo DeCRAPio how are you enjoying my Labyrinth?

Jack: It's Leonardo DeCaprio.

Rose: (Still holding her nose.) No, I think he was right the first time.

--------------------------------------

(Jack after eating the peach and falling in to the junk Lady's domain.)

Junk Lady; Owe, looky hear. Can't forget this, now can we? (Holding The heart of

the ocean pendent.) Jack, I want you paint my picture.

Jack: Yeah.... You seem interesting enough, I suppose I could do it.

Junk Lady: Wearing this necklace.

Jack: Uh, oh.

Junk Lady: ONLY this necklace!

Jack: (Screaming.) My eyes! Ach! God, my eyes! My poor, unbelievably attractive

eyes!

--------------------

In a message dated 10/14/00 4:29:56 PM Pacific Daylight Time,

lady_ writes:

with all of the court ones, I thought of this one: (I know, I'm deranged)

What if Sarah sued the Shaft of Hands for sexual harrassment? (touching her

where she didn't want touched)

--------------------------------

What if The Helping Hands were on trial:

The case of the not so very helpful hands:

Judge: Order! Order in the court! Would SOMEONE please tell the defendants

to STOP groping me!

Sarah: They touched me in places I did NOT wish to be touched!

Jareth: Would you have rathered the fourty foot drop in to the oubliette with the

stone floor?

Sarah: (Long pause.)

Jareth: Well?

Sarah: I'm thinking. I'm thinking.

Sarah's lawyer: Your honour, the hands that groped Mrs. Williams were all wearing

these. (Holds up a glove that looks like gnarled arthritic hand made out of latex.) Now

let's try this on and see if this belongs to The helping hands.

Bailiff: (Takes the glove and walks over to the Helping Hands.)

The Helping Hands' Lawyer: (Since there's no other lawyer that I know of in David

Bowie's films they're using that lawyer from The man who fell to Earth again.) Wait! We

can't have fingerprints being planted on those gloves found at the crime scene. I demand

that they wear this over their hands. (Holds up very large, transparent plastic sandwich

bags.)

Helping hands: (Try on the gloves but they do not fit because the plastic wrappings get

in the way.)

The Helping Hands' Lawyer: Well, you know as they say. If the gloves don't fit.

You must acquit.

(A telephone rings in the courtroom)

Judge: Would someone answer that!

Bailiff: (Picks up the receiver to a ringing telephone in the courtroom. He talks in

to the mouth piece.) Yes, yes. Yes, he's here. Now, calm down, sir. Yes, sir. (Walks

over to The Helping hands' lawyer.) It's your other client. He sounds frightfully upset. It

sounds as if he's having some sort of nervous break down. It must be serious.

The Helping Hands' Lawyer: (Takes the telephone in hand.) Yes. Yes, Tommy. No,

Mr. Newton, you have to calm down. I'm certain the cable lines are just down. Yes, I'll

call the cable company right away. I know. I know how you hate missing your favourite

programs. But there isn't much on television anyway at this... (A long pause) But Mr.

Newton, it's 3:30 AM where you are! (Another long pause)... Oh, you like the

infomercials...

Judge: (Eavesdropping in on the conversation. He groans and then rubs his

temples.) This is going to be a long night...

David Bowie: (Enters the court room.) Your honour I am willing to pay the

defendant's fines under one condition.

Judge: And that might be?

David Bowie: They act as a chorus of back up gospel singers for my music video

clip to Underground.

------

In a message dated 10/16/00 10:41:39 AM Pacific Daylight Time,

.sg writes:

Dorothy's house didn't land on the wicked witch but on Jareth instead?

Goblins: You've killed him!

Dorothy: I.... I'm sorry. I didn't mean to... it was an accident.

(A strange loud roaring sound is heard in the distance. It grows louder and louder.)

Dorothy: What is that?

Goblin: That would be The listians come to lynch you.

------------

In a message dated 10/16/00 10:41:39 AM Pacific Daylight Time,

.sg writes:

Pippi Longstocking wished the 2 children (uh, forgot their names, haven't seen it

since I

was a kid) away to Labyrinth?

------------------

Pippi in The Labyrinth:

Goblin 1: Wow.

Goblin 2: What is it?

Goblin 1: Look! I NEVER thought I'd find ANYONE with stranger hair or more

of an "eccentric" sense of fashion then our master.

Goblin 3: (Stares for a long while at Pippi.) I wonder what she uses to keep that

hair up.

Goblin 4: She must use more hair spray then duh....umm... uh...

Goblin 1: (Whispers) Jareth. His name is Jareth.

Goblin 4: Uh... Right.

--------------------

(In the castle throne room.)

Anika: Pippi'll save us! You'll see. She always pulls through in the end.

Tommy: You ALWAYS say that!

---------------------

(Meanwhile at the start of The Labyrinth.)

Pippi: I won't do it unless I can bring Mr. Nelson with me!

Jareth: (Folds his arms) And just who is Mr. Nelson?

Pippi: He's my friend.

Mr. Nelson: (Climbs on to Pippi's head and plucks the lice out of her hair and eats it.)

Jareth: (A disgusted expression crosses his face.)

Pippi: You know my father's a pirate.

Jareth: That's nice... (clearly not really paying any attention. Then he realizes

something.) Where's Higgle?

Pippi: Oh, that nasty troll thing? He wasn't nice to me so I threw him over the wall

there.

Jareth: (Rolls his eyes.) I could have taken ANY classic children's literature

character but I HAD to go for the contemporary feel.

Random goblin: Oh, you're so old fashioned. Harry Potter's contemporary. Pippi

Longstocking's as out dated as The super friends.

Jareth: For the last time I am NOT taking Harry Potter here! No! And that's final.

Another goblin: Oh, you're just afraid of the kid, that's what you are.

(Several moments later that goblin lands with a splash in to The Bog of Eternal

Stench.)

-------------

In a message dated 10/17/00 5:39:42 PM Pacific Daylight Time,

lady_ writes:

What if Serena from Sailor Moon wished

Rini away?

What if Rini were wished away:

Sailor moon: You can't take Rini!

Jareth: Watch me!

Rini: (Holds up her tiny plastic wand) I am Mini moon and I shall punish you!

Sugar heart power! (Tiny pink hearts fly at Jareth's head.)

Jareth: (Ducks.) All right. All right, fine. You can keep her.

Sailor Moon: All right! Way to go, Rini, you beat the bad guy!

Jareth: (Walking from the room.)

Sailor Moon: (Calls out to Jareth.) Hey! Wait! Where are you going?

Jareth: To find myself a damned good dentist. I think you're attack was so sweet my

teeth have begun to rot out. (muttering) Pink hearts. What's next? Roses?

---------------

In a message dated 10/19/00 2:43:03 AM Pacific Daylight Time, etavenierhmc-

writes:

What if the listians fed him one of his own peaches (by force of course)

Jareth fed a peach:

Listian 1: Open wide Jareth! (Several Listians forcefully have Jareth pinned down in a

chair.)

Jareth: No! Don't! You don't know what that might do to me! (Struggling against them,

real fear in his eyes.) Don't!

Listian 2: Just stop struggling and open up!

Jareth: No! You mustn't do this! Don't!

Listian 3: (Manages to shove part of a slice of peach in to Jareth's mouth.)

Jareth: (Moans as he falls in to a dream state.)

-------------------(Jareth's dream.)------------------

Jareth: (Being the narcissist that he is, he ball room dances with himself.)

------------------------- (A few nights later.)---------------------

Listian 1: All right! A free David Bowie concert for just the Labyrinth listians.

Listian 2: Do you think he'll ever remember who he really is?

Listian 3: Who cares? (Leans in to Listian 1 as if confiding a great secret.) He thinks

I'm Iman, I'm not going to break it to him. Bwahahaha!

-------------------------

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Since it's been so long since I've written any of these I no longer remember the

addresses of those who requested the following what ifs but I'm certain you know who

you are.

What if Harry Potter were in The Labyrinth?

Jareth: (Ducks as something fast and furry flies by his head. He stands up, walking across

the throne room and then quickly ducks again as another thing rushes by his head. This

time he can see that it's a goblin on a broom stick.) Harry! I told you not to teach the

goblins quidditch! ...or whatever the Hell you call it.

Harry Potter: I'm sorry but... (He looks over at his owl, whom seems to have built a nest

on a shelf in the castle's throne room. In the nest an egg begins to hatch. He blinks his

eyes.) I didn't realize that there were any male owls around here.

Jareth: (Clears his throat and takes a step back) Oh... Umm... Uh... mmm... (Backs out of

the room quietly.)

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

-------------

What if David Bowie were the president of the USA:

Voter 1: How the Hell did HE get elected?

Voter 2: He's not even American, is he?

Voter 3: I've traced it, most of these votes were made online and come from BowieNet, in

fact, I think they're all from the same account...

----------------------------------------------------------------------

David Bowie: (In front of the podium) Lady's and gentleman, your first lady, Fifi.... I

mean Iman. And the Vice president Mick Jagger.

--------------------------------------------------

(Two months later at a press conference)

David Bowie: I did NOT have sexual relations with my intern... It was with the vice

president....

All the reporters: (Vomit)

Mick Jagger: If I live another 1000 years, I'll confirm that eventually.... maybe...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Announcer: Please stand for the National anthem.

Singer: "Ziggy played guitar..."

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(Yet another presidential interview)

David Bowie: Yes, I did inhale. But mainly I snorted. Now if you excuse me, my vice

president is hung over and my new secretary of state, Iggy Pop refuses to pay for his

rehab. (turns to leave and then looks back) Oh, by the way, our new national bird is the

barn owl.

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His decrees as president.

The national bird is now a barn owl.

Cloning human beings is still illegal but David Bowie, not being actually human, is

exempt. Therefor there shall be a new Bowie for every month. December's Bowie is

Jareth, and January shall be Thomas Jerome Newton, they're still having problems with

the Ziggy stardust Bowie, he's been running around the white house screaming about

"Big Brother"

Iman's hair has it's own zipcode and national holiday.

All American citizens MUST subscribe to BowieNet.

The national treasury has been transferred to BowieBanc.

All must believe or at least claim that Mick Jagger IS beautiful without laughing or

vomiting.

The song Ziggy Stardust is the new national anthem.

Brittany Spears is to be put to death for the murder of "I can't get no satisfaction"

The wallflowers are to be deported from the country for the mutilation of "Heroes".

Iman's hair is now a national landmark.

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David Bowie: No! No! I am the president and if I want The White House to glitter, it's

going to glitter, damn it!

Painter: Mr. President, are you sure you want to "Tart up" the white house?

Presidential body guard 1: (Leans towards his partner and whispers) I'm scared

Presidential body guard 2: We all are...

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What if Santa Claus had been wished away:

Santa Claus: (Appears in the throne room) Where am I?

Jareth: (Had been sitting boredly on the throne. He looks over at Santa Claus and raises

an eyebrow.) Well, there go the mortal holidays I suppose.

Goblin 1: (Stares blankly at Jareth.) Your highness, who is he?

Santa Claus: (Dusts himself off) Who am I? Who am I?!? Why! I'm Santa Claus!

Goblin 2: Did he just say Sandy Claws?

Goblin 3: (Staggers over to Santa Claus and grabs his hand. He examines it.) Why?

These aren't sandy. You have hands! They're not even claws at all! What sort of name

is Sandy Claws if ya ain't got no claws?

Jareth: (Groans and rubs his temples.) Oh, bloody Hell.....

Goblin 1: So, what should we do with Mr. "Not so Sandy Claws"?

Goblin 2: Let's lock him up real tight. Throw away the key and then turn off all the

lights.

Goblin 3: Let's pop him in a boiling pot and when he's done we'll butter him up! (This

Goblin licks his slimy green lips.)

Goblin 1: Throw him in a box, bury him for ninety years and then see if he talks!

Goblin 2: Tie him in a bag! Throw him in the ocean, then see if he's sad!

Goblin 1: Beat him with a stick! Lock him up for ninety years and see what makes him

tick!

Goblin 3: Chop him in to bits!

Goblin 1: Lock him in a cage and then throw away the key!

All the goblins: We're his little henchmen and we take our job with pride (They point

towards Jareth.) we do our best to please him. And stay on his good side.

Goblin 3: I wish my cohorts weren't so dumb!

Goblin 2: I'm not the dumb one!

Goblin 1: You're no fun!

Goblin 3: Shut up!

Goblin 1: Make me!

Jareth: (Jareth steps over to Santa Claus and whispers in his ear.) Seems a bit too

familiar, doesn't it?

Santa Claus: Just a tad.

Jareth: Ah. A little too Nightmare before Christmas-ish?

Santa Claus: Yes, quite actually.

Jareth: I should not have allowed them to watch that Tim Burton marathon at the cinema

last week.

Goblin 1: Well, if we can't do that to him, what can we do with him, Jareth?

Jareth: Hmmm..... (Rubs his chin.)

(Ten minutes later)

Jareth: (Sitting On Santa Claus' lap.) And I want a bottle of crystal polish, I'm all out.

A new cape. And it absolutely MUST be glittery! That water proof mascara I saw at the

shopping center last week. I've been a very good Goblin King this year and I want that

girl Sarah to love me. The album Let's dance on CD, a copy of the film Velvet Goldmine

on DVD. A new riding crop. A new wardrobe. A prescription refill for Viagra. More

hair gel. Six bottles of hair spray. Of course you know I'd fancy a new thirteen houred

pocket watch. Oh, yes and (Clears his throat) a new pair of socks, extra thick if you can...

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Someone had suggested this one by instant message so I forget who it had been.

I have always been just terrible at remembering screen names.

Jareth in "American" professional wrestling (The WORLDS WORST stage

show):

Back Stage:

The Rock: (Reading something over in his hands.) "Turn, turn, punch, duck, turn

lunge, fall." That seems easy enough.

Jareth: Sting has taken all of my make up! I won't go on without my eyeshadow!

(Crosses is arms.)

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(Later that night.)

The Rock: (Growling.) I'M GOING TO TEAR OFF HIS HEAD AND SH-T

DOWN HIS BONY BRIT NECK!

Jareth: (Yawns.) Really now, so melodramatic.

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(In to the "Fight")

Announcer: Where's the reff! That's cheating!

Secondary announcer: Now, there's nothing in the rule books against it. And I

believe that move has a name. Yes, it's the "Turn your opponent in to a drooling goblin

move."

Jareth: (Staring at the other wrestler that is now a goblin and frowns.) Not much

difference is there? (Shakes his head doubtfully.) Not one of my better works.


End file.
